Sunday, December 19, 2010

We've had a lot of family in over the past two days and it has been good and sad and helpful and sad. Little Man has spent a lot of time here and he loves being with his brother. Jameson and Little Man are best friends and it just shatters my heart when I think of what we are going to have to tell him. I hope he is able to heal and have happiness easier than we will. I feel like for me the fog started to roll in yesterday and I am just so very sad. So very sad. I have this thing in my gut and sometimes it moves into my heart. It feels like a black hole and at any given moment I feel like I'm either going to vomit or implode. And it is so hard to breathe. I look at J and I just don't how we will make it without him here. He has been nothing but joy in our lives and I don't see how the world will ever have the same appeal ever again.

Last night and today have been painful for Jameson. We've had to up his pain meds and give him a lot of bumps. It is so hard to see that he is suffering. Even more then I want him to live, I want him to not suffer. And every time he grinds his teeth I feel my heart breaking and I'm always surprised because it already feels like it has been crushed in a grindstone. How are there even pieces left big enough to break any more? Tomorrow our pain team may have some new ideas to keep him more comfortable. I just don't want my baby to suffer any more.

We have had some good moments over the past two days. Hubs held him yesterday, I slept with him last night and probably will again tonight. Auntie K and Little Man both had turns snuggling with him in bed today too. And Little Man got to take his brother for a wagon ride. It was beautiful and heart wrenching. J is still sleeping in the wagon right now. He loves it! Geez, I wish we would have though of this sooner. We are savoring every moment we have left.

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