Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Out Of Sorts

We are all out of sorts up here. My computer hard drive "melted" and I am attempting to use Hubs' work computer...I'm also totally Apple illiterate so it isn't going smoothly. I lost a few things, but most things were backed up, whew! And, it is under warranty, so it will be fixed. Let this serve a a reminder to you all to back up your hard drives!

I've been feeling under the weather this past week and Hubs was just tentatively diagnosed with Lyme's disease, so we are a mess. Of course, this means he has a big exam coming up soon- because crisis only happens at exam times in our house. Sigh. Poor Little Man is doing his best get us off the couch and playing with him, but frustration may be at peak. The only saving grace is that he has been napping this week. What a needed gift from God right now!

Nothing dire, nothing totally out of control, but we certainly aren't in our element right now. At least the sun is shining!

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend. I think it is safe to say that we will be hanging low and near home all weekend. Last year we were at my Uncle's farm in Michigan and it may have been one of the coolest nights ever. We had a bonfire down on the water, the sun was setting over the meadow, there were rainbows during the sunset, we had smores, family, and fireworks. Perfection. God gave us so many great memories with Jameson to help carry us through. It seemed perfect then and now I see really just how much of a gift it was.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Missing J

I'm just missing my Jameson a lot. I think about how great everything was last year at this time. We were my dream come true.

And now I see Little Man growing up so well. He is so strong and healthy and smart and kind. I am so proud as I watch him conquer new things daily. And I wonder what J would be doing if here were still here. Would he have finally learned how to pedal his trike? Would his legs be long enough to reach the pedals? I wonder how much new mischief he would be in (probably loads!). I wonder if dinosaurs would still be his favorite thing. Would he still cuddle with me early in the mornings? What new dance moves would he have? The list is infinite. It doesn't always make me sad. I can think about my sweet boy and be happy. But sometimes it makes me sad. Because I hate missing out on the milestones. And I hate missing out on daily life with him.

But I also think about all the amazing things he can probably do now in heaven. I bet he can bust a move like no other! And I bet he could beat the Tour de France cyclists on his bike in heaven. And maybe he gets to play with real T-Rexes, and how can that make anyone sad to think about?

I'm not sad for him- he is in Heaven, enjoying himself and looking forward to seeing us someday. But I'm sad for us and especially for Little Man. Not a days goes by that he doesn't tell me he misses J. And I feel bad that he misses out on having a sibling when he had a best friend in his brother. He has adjusted so well, but life will never be the same; we will always feel that hole in our hearts that J took to Heaven. And it has changed us all.

It will be six months on Sunday. He has been gone for a half of a year. But really, it has been much longer. Those four months in the hospital were with J, but he was a different J. It has been ten months since I have heard my baby laugh. Ten months since I have seen him dance, heard him roar, felt him hug back. And you know what? It sucks. And I just really miss him.

Monday, June 13, 2011


I'm trying to catch up from a trip over the weekend, but it has been so long since I've written. So I thought I could at least share some food.

This is spinach and cheese souffle. And it looked delicious. I've made a number of these that have turned out fabulous.

But not this one. We were all starving and I put a serving spoon into it and got a heaping pile a steamy egg soup. Sigh. 45 minutes later we were able to eat it and it tasted great.

These are chicken and asparagus crepes in a mushroom veloute sauce. Essentially "French Enchiladas," if you will. They were good, but I'd rather have something spicy. I'm glad I learned how to make crepes, though. Those will be wonderful for breakfasts and desserts all summer long with fresh fruit.

Cherry chicken salad sandwiches on store bread. I ran out of flour. The chicken salad was homemade though. I used dried and fresh cherries, celery, apple, and vidalia onion in a yogurt based sauce. They were worth making. Yum!

I saved the best for last.

Homemade cream puffs with lemon mousse(lemon curd and whipped cream) and blueberry sauce. Heavenly.

I'll try to catch up and write again later this week. Happy Monday.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Giving The Hard Thanks

Yesterday I had the privilege of watching a friend’s kids while she had a CT scan done. She is a young mother with three cutie pies at home and out of the blue last week she was diagnosed with stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She starts chemo today.

The more I read God’s word and the closer I get to Him, the more I find myself challenged to give thanks in every situation. But I struggle to give the hard thanks. What do I thank God for when my friend is diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in her lungs?

What about all the death and destruction brought on from the recent tornadoes in our country- what kind of thanks do we give then?

I’m still struggling with understanding how and if I am supposed to thank him for taking my son.

What does it really mean to give the hard thanks?

What exactly am I supposed to be thankful for with J? Of course I’m thankful for modern medicine. And the support of friends and family. That we had J at all. And that my son is in heaven. But I keep getting this nagging in my heart that there is more than this. That I am not giving the real hard thanks. I’ve praised God for taking my Jameson for his sake, so he will not suffer anymore; but how do I find a way to thank him for my sake? For Little Man’s sake? Where is the blessing in this for us? I’m still working on it.

It doesn’t sound right, does it? But it is true. When God turns something around and uses it for His glory, it can bless everyone, even those in pain. Sometimes I can see it. I’ve found I can give the hard thanks for losing the baby in March. I cannot accurately explain the peace and joy I feel in knowing Jameson has a sibling with him in heaven. I am able to look past my pain and see the blessing, even for me, and thank my Lord.

I’m a work in progress- far from perfect, far from even good. Sometimes I don’t even know if I want to give the hard thanks. I carry feelings of entitlement that God’s graces cover, but are not justified. I’m just now beginning to understand what C.S. Lewis meant when he said “The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.” There will be pain and suffering on this earth, yet doesn't Jesus' love and sacrifice provide grace even there?