Thursday, December 26, 2013

Empty

Jameson went to heaven three years ago right about now.  He slipped away from us, right out of our arms into Heaven.  And we knew when he was gone because the room felt empty.  And I felt a little numb.  And sick.  And scared. 

And I remember how much we just wanted to leave, just wanted to go, to just get out of that place where everything crumbled away.  But we had lived in that space for 4 months.  And it was Christmas.  So we had a lot of crap to pack up.  I remember numbly taking bag after bag and just shoving things into them.  Like the whole Christmas trees ornaments and all.  And the nurses helped to take down the pictures and cards that literally wallpapered the room.  And we just couldn't do it fast enough.  And I was shaking and numb and he was gone and were were still there and everything I knew about the world seemed off.  Like I just knew I was gonna miss that bottom step any time now. 

And we walked out to our cars and the nurses helped us load them full of crap.  We left with so much but not what we wanted most.  The only thing worth taking couldn't come with us that cold clear morning.  It was clear and I didn't understand how anything could be clear.  How anything could make sense.  How the sun was still rising in the sky.  And people.  People were still moving and driving and going to work and how did the world not just see that my son had just died? 

But the world kept spinning and my mind kept spinning and I was so afraid.  Afraid of crashing the car.  Afraid of looking anyone in the eye.  Afraid to tell my son that his brother was gone.

And three years later, I'm still spinning around, shaking and a little numb.  And the world still feels a little empty.  And I miss him so naturally, it has become a part of who I am.  He is still gone.  And the world is still spinning.  And I can't stop anything. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Hard Week

Holy Buckets this has been a hard week so far.  I've been so busy with everything and Hubs is working so many hours that I haven't had the time or haven't wanted to use the time to write.  As a result, I'm the bucket of cold water all over facebook.  Ah.

Its hard because Hubs is working.  He's working today, tomorrow, and the 26th, which is probably the worst of it.  And such long hours.  And I know its worse for him, but its hard on all of us too.

Its hard because Little Man and Little Lady are so very excited and I'm try so very hard to keep Christmas as a happy and fun time, but really what I want to do is go on vacation to convent and sit and pray and listen to music and not interact with anyone for the whole week.

Kind of but not really.  That would be hard too.  It's all very complicated, these feelings, and desires, all so contradictory and frustrating.  I wrote on facebook that this week will never be joyful for me ever again.  And that wasn't true and it kept me up all night thinking about it.  Because I have JOY today.  So much Joy.  Because JOY isn't a feeling, JOY is a choice.  And I'm choosing it as much as I can this week.

I'm choosing to see the JOY in the fog rolling in that will make it a white Christmas without snow.  I'm choosing to see it in the magic of the lights and the presents and the untamed happiness of my kids.  I'm choosing to be the JOY in giving gifts and baking bread and staying present.

But underneath all this choosing JOY, there is the veil covering the ever present thought that he is gone.  He is still dead and nothing will ever bring him back.   

And the day after Christmas will mark three years since we held him in our arms and said goodbye while he left this earth for far grander places.  And I'm here to tell you all that it doesn't get easier with time.  That pain and sadness and inability to breathe, they never go away.  That gaping black hole that threatens to swallow me whole is still in the center of me.  The scars holding together my broken heart ache so heavily on this anniversary that it feels fresh and broken all over again.  These things never go away.

The only thing that has changed is that I've- we've- learned some pain management, if you will.  We've learned how to live around this pain.  But it is always there and it is never easy.

And tonight, as we wait up extra late for Daddy to make it home and open presents and eat cookies and have fun and make magic, we will work around this pain and do our best to seek the joy.

It helps knowing how good Jameson has it right now.  I mean, he's at the A-list party right now.  I can only imagine.  It helps knowing that he's with Christ.  He's saved.  He's healed and whole.  And someday we'll all get to be at the party together and have this much fun again.



Blah. I'm all over the place and I haven't had coffee yet and I'm not really saying what I need to say.  So, I'm gonna quit for right now and go have a coffee and count some gifts, something that I haven't written down in a while. 

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, full of JOY, peace and love.  And hopefully some good birthday cake; we're doing carrot. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I Killed the Mac

So it's been awhile.

I've been busy.  Really busy.  Busy cooking meals and changing diapers and reading to little boys and cleaning and snuggling with little ladies and not folding laundry or ironing shirts.  If you happen to see Hubs looking all disheveled at work, I swear I forgot he couldn't wear scrubs at his newest rotation... 

Someday I'll have much too much time to iron and dust.  Which is a really good thing considering the backlog I'll have by then. 

But for now, I'm happy to love on this little girl who's trying to help me type as I write this.  And I've missed my writing, but she is more demanding.  And much cuter. 

But I'm here and will hopefully be here more regularly thanks to an unforturnate series of event that led me to killing Hub's Mac(I may never be trusted again) and an amazing Black Friday deal that gave me my very own shiny laptop.  Which is awesome.  I know I'm going to come off as snotty and spoiled with this line, but really, its truth for me: I'd rather share underwear than a computer.  I know, I'm spoiled.  And blessed.  And incredibly thankful. 

And now that I've got my own shiny new laptop, I hope to have more time to write.  I've missed this sacred place in my life. 

But at this very moment, I've got kids who needs baths and bed.  So I'll see you later.  But too much later, unless my computer karma catches up with me...

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Huge

Something big happened last week.  Huge.  Only I'm the only one who can see it.

So for a long time I've felt weary and heavy and tired and scared and sad.  I think it started the moment Jameson got sick.  When he was still alive, it was mostly the scary and tired and heavy.  And then my boy died.  And it was sad and heavy.  And then we lost the baby and the sadness almost undid me.  And then we got pregnant with Little Lady and there was still an awful lot of sadness and heavy, but the scary and tired again took the lead.  And since then, they all have been there.  Always.

And every day, every hour, every second has been a fight to stay above it all.  This joy seeking that I profess is not about happiness, it's about survival.

I'm not sure when I first heard this song, but I stopped everything and felt something inside me come apart a bit.  Because this is how I've felt for so long.  Listen to the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA

So, it's kinda awesome.  It feels like it is a part of who I am.  And who I will be forever.  Because my boy is dead and that doesn't really get easier.

Only last week I was listening to the radio in the car and "Worn" came on.  And I turned it up like I always do when my soul is playing on the radio.  And I starting thinking and feeling my way through the song and I started crying because it was different.  I wasn't sad.  The song wasn't telling my story anymore.  I didn't feel worn.  Or heavy.  Or weary.

It was the first time in over three years that I haven't felt sad all of the time. 

Let me say that line again.  I'm not sad, for the first time in over three years. 

And this is a bittersweet revelation.  Because my son is dead and a big part of me feels like I SHOULD be sad every waking second for the rest of my life.  And it is true that I will always miss him and I will always wish he were here and that things were so different right now.  And I know I'll be sad about him often in my life.  I'll never be the same without him here, because part of my heart is with him.

But I think this is a different kind of sadness.  Because that one is one that I think I can have and still live.  But this sadness that has been draped over me all this time, this has not been a healthy sadness.  This has been a dark veil that has covered everything in my life.  It's impeded my ability to truly love my kids and play with them and sing to them and be happy with them.  It's made me a tired and unpredictable wife.  It's made me so many things that I was not. 

And now it is gone.  And I kind of don't know what to think.  I feel a little like I had amnesia and my memory was just restored.  I started singing to my kids again.  I've started laughing for real.  And as I seek and see and count the blessings in my life, they multiply and I find myself healed in a way I didn't think would happen this side of paradise. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Feathers

It took me literally five minutes to find my own blog to write this post.  I'm not even kidding.  And it is even in the bookmarks.  I'm still not speaking Mac yet.  Today I accidentally cc'd like 6 people in random emails that had nothing to do with them and realized it as I was hitting send and then had to email them to say sorry for the randomness that had nothing to do with you, I'm just computer stupid.  Which has nothing to do with what I want to say, but at the say time, seriously, how am I this lost?  I'm typing and all of a sudden the cursor is in the middle of a random paragraph or everything is deleted and I can't figure out what the heck I've done.  I need to take the computer class at the community college that all the Grandmas take to learn how to email and skype.  Or talk to my 7 yr old.  I'm sure he could set me straight in five. 

Speaking of Little Man, he lost a tooth today.  And this is a fun story.  Because I already had it in my sweet little head that he lost this tooth.  And so a few weeks ago when we went to the pumpkin patch and started eating corn and caramel apples and his tooth got all loose and started bleeding, I freaked out a little bit.  And then it kept getting looser.  And looser.  So we made an appointment with a local dentist.  A really, really nice dentist.  And we walked in the door, and they were all concerned about my boy and his loose big tooth that hadn't been through any major trauma.  And they took him back and took an xray and then the doctor came out and smiled at me and told me it was his baby tooth.  All four on top are baby teeth.  And loose.  And the two on the sides of the middles of the bottom are babies and one is loose.  Because he's only lost TWO teeth in his whole life so far.  TWO.  And I can't even keep those straight.  So instead of having a major dental crisis in his mouth, we just have another entry for the Mother-Of-The-Year Award.  Which I've already won, like, 50 times.  So there. 

So this tooth is gone.  It fell out at lunch today at school, which was the coolest thing ever for him.  He got to announce it to the whole lunch room and then go to the nurse and get this cute little tooth treasure box.  It's so cool I want to ask her for a few extra just to keep around the house.  I hope he looses all his teeth at school.  Except for the three he's already lost.  I hope those stay in.  But he comes walking out of school this afternoon and it looks like half his face is missing in the cutest way possible.  And I can't stop smiling and trying to squish his cheeks because he's just made himself cuter than Little Lady, which is really saying something. 

I've just accidentally erased three paragraphs of writing and can't figure out where they went and why undo only works for the very last command on a Mac and I'm missing how nice it was when I could hit that button 22 times on my Dell and get my typos undone.   I really thought I'd become an apple, but instead I'm just feeling old. 

But I'll try again.  My point in writing today was to update on my 1000 List.  Its getting harder for me.  Which feels funny.  Because I'm seeing and feeling the blessings and thankfulness all of the time now.  And I've stopped being so angry and bitter and sad.  And the world really is a wonderful world.  But it is harder because I keep seeing and thinking about the same things over and over.  And I can only put coffee and leaves falling from the sky and toddlers laughing on my list so many times, right?  I mean even if I am radically thankful for my dogs snoring every night, it feels silly to write it every morning when I get up.  It almost feels weird, like I shouldn't be thankful for the same things twice.  Isn't that a funny thought?  In reality, when I think about it, its amazing that I can still see the wonder of the mundane every day.  And that, is a testament to how much my vision has changed in such a short time.  I'm not taking it for granted.  I'm seeing Him every time I write leaves and coffee and snoring dogs on that list.  And I'm starting to see that all really is grace.  All really is awesome.  And even the crappy things can become marvels with this new set of lenses I'm wearing. 

Like 275.  Last night, we came home from Little Man's basketball practice.  It was late.  I was tired.  Everyone was tired.  The whole car ride home I was looking forward to walking through that door and putting the kids to bed so I could get there myself.  And we walked through the front door and the dogs ran up and one was covered in white fluff.  And I was all what is all over you, dog?  And he was all tail between the legs and I'm so glad your home, mom.  And I was all whatever, I'm tired, I'll get Little Lady into bed and then deal.  And then I looked at the hallway.  White fluff.  Everywhere.  And then I walked into Little Lady's room.  White fluff.  EVERYWHERE.  Except.  Except NOT inside her down comforter anymore.  Nope.  That damn dog who struggles with anxiety so much he has to wear a diaper when we leave the house got up on her bed and scratched it to death.  Through my favorite comforter cover.  Through the down comforter.  It was like he was trying to unleash ever feather and set it free.  And all I could think was that my day was never going to end and I will never ever be free of fluff in this house ever again.  It was EVERYWHERE.  And my insanely wild and overly tired children were happy to "help" with the clean up.  Awesome.  Completely and utterly awesome. 

But.  I was able to suck up her room fairly quickly.  And I thanked God for the vacuum.  And I was also able to go to the basement and grab another comforter and cover out of storage to put on her bed.  So I thanked God for the bounty and my linens obsession that has driven Hubs crazy since before we were married.  And then I tucked my sweet Little Lady into a warm and safe and soft bed and kissed her goodnight and walked out into the living room to tackle the feather convention taking place on my Elk rug.  It took over an hour, but I sucked those feathers up.  And it was actually kinda fun.  They would dance in the air and sneak away and then get overtaken.  Or flutter down from up high, so softly, so slowly until the heaters would turn on and toss them all around again.  It was beautiful, really.  What a gift. 

They are everywhere, these hidden gems.  Waiting and hoping to be found.  Like hide and seek with a giggly child.  They are everywhere.  In the good and in the bad and in the mundane, everyday life that we so often gloss over and don't really see.  All is a gift.  Always. 

I'm sure I still miss so many.  Like this morning when we were running late and Little Man knocked over my coffee and I couldn't see past the missing caffeine to look for one.  But I'm sure it was there, sad that I missed it.  But I'm not missing as many as I used to.  And I'm seeing more every week.  Look around and SEE.  Seek your gifts; they are there, just waiting to be found. 

1000 List
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation. 
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11.  Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16.  A Good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water.  Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22.  Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby. 
23.  Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work. 
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My moms meatloaf in the oven
32.  Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33.  Painting with toddlers. 
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee.  How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road. 
41.  Baby squirrels chhasing each other in the trees. 
42.  Acorns
43.  Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44.  Coffee. Did I already say that?
45.  Being married to my best friend
46.  Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47.  Garden snakes.  Yes I did just say that.
48.  Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49.  IPod music
50. When the word neighbors really means friends
51. The enchilada sauce that breaks in the new kitchen.  Yes the paint really is scrubbable.
52.  Thunder and that rain smell that gets into your brain and makes you feel like a kid with a sidewalk full of puddles and no one around to say don't.
53.  Buddies for my kids
54.  A job interview that feels more like coffee with an old Friend
55.  Football season
56. Pumpkin anything and everything.
57. When she made a sound effects while playing with planes and trucks.
58.  Footie jammies
59. Beach days
60. Pints on the deck
61. Flying kites
62. The way birds sail in the breeze
63.  Pizza by the slice
64. Salty ocean air
65.  Low heavy clouds and blue skies all at once.
66.  Waves crashing on the sandy shore. 
67.  The perfect mix of sun heat and breeze
68. Sea gull cries.
69. Driftwood
70. Watching kids chasing birds on the sand
71. Sand and barefeet
72. My sons clothing choices...camp fleece pants with a muscle shirt and Mardi gras beads...at a restaurant.  Love.
73. Bedtime.
74. Hot showers
75. The newspaper.
76. Chasing wves in the ocean
77. Being big spoon at bedtime
78. My washing machine
79. My dishwasher
80. Hand me down clothes and toys
81. Sticky notes
82. Watching promises unfold in His time
83. Wind chimes
84.  Hearing my kids singing
85. Unintentional funnies from kids
86. Hearing the birds sing while lying in bed early
87. Mops
88. the snooze button
89. Living in a tight knit community and not being an outsider
90.  Watching diggers
91.   Music.
92. Clear starry night.
93.  Bread rising on the stove.
94. Pizza night with family
95.  Laughter of my kids playing together.
96. Comfy bed.
97. Spider webs catching all the fruit flies
98. Golden leaved falling from the trees
99. Cooking for my family
100. promise of eternity
101. Cloudy days
102. Sword ferns
103. Tree swings
104. Baby grass
105. Hope
106.  Fragrant wet cedar
107. Living in America
108. Pacific time zone so I can actually stay awake to finish a game.
109. Birthday cake
110. Late night laughter with hubs
111. New babies
112. Impromptu dinner invites
113. C S Lewis.
114. Encouraging texts and emails from friends.
115. Tree climbing
116. Chaotic playgrounds
117. Slides and static electricity.
118. Clouds heavy with rain rolling in
119. Kids playing tag
120. Fiery maple leaves
121. Late start days
122. Doggies running in their sleep
123. Marshmallows
124. Pictures on my kids
125. Neighbors
126. A good cold beer after a long day
127. Answer of small prayers and seeing the gifts they are.
128. Being able to connect with family and friends so easily with technology
129. Hot showers
130. Exciting opportunities
131.  Having options
132.  Realizing that almost every problem in my life is a mere first world annoyance and what a blessing that is even when it sucks
133. Owls on a hike
134. Out of town guests
135. Vacation days
136. Seeing the wonder of everything from a childs eyes
137. Silver flashes of birch in the wind
138. Cool fall mornings
139. Restaurants with play areas
140. Sleeping baby eye lashes.
141.  Tutus
142. Mountain vistas
143. Tide pools
144. Slugs all over on a hike
145. Getting to share favorite places with favorite people. 
146. Sisters
147. Elk poop
148. Rainy beach days
149. Fig and goat cheese crepes
150. Nutella
151. Bread bowl clam chowder
152. Fancy coffee presents
153. Backing up my hard drive a week before the computer crashes
154. Working and clean smelling furnace
155. The ocean.
156.  Laughter. 
157. Yellow galoshes
158.  Watching kids splash in puddles
159. Steamy grass after a rain shower
160. Getting to Starbucks a few minutes early. 
161.  Getting to go to Starbucks at all.
162. Whipped cream.  Seriously. 
163.  Pumpkin spice latte..how is this my first time!?
164. Remembering Gods faithfulness and seeing it even in the hard times.
165. Not having to wait at an awesome restaurant
166. Dust motes in a stream of sun
167. Crisp cool fall air
168. Baby snores
169. Still getting big hugs and kisses at school drop off
170. Craig's list
171. Crisp sweet apples
172. Having a handy hubs
173. Napping in the sun on a cool day.
174. Getting to stay home with my lady
175. Wool socks
176. Playing I spy with wood floor grains
177.  Pink dress up hats
178. Snails
179. The national anthem
180. My boy.  Always.
181. Rocket inventions. 
182. daddy daughter snuggles
183. Singing babies
184.  Hallway bowling
185. Composting
186. Staying dry on super rainy weekends
187.  Finding the perfect job.
188.  Toothpaste
189. Soup in the pot
190. Finding an old friend close by!  191. Sunflowers
192. Blue skies and sun after rainy days
193. Finishing projects
194. Toddlers jumping
195. Piano lessons
196. Discovering a new good book
197. Apples and cinnamon baking
198. Rosy cheeks
199. Jammies with feet
200. Modern medicine
201. Movie days
202. Coffee with whipped cream just because
203. Exploring with kids
204. An extra bedtime kiss
205. Down comforters
206. An organized closet
207 foggy mornings
208. Dad visiting
209.  J mping for joy
210. Slides
211. Bright colors
212 funky art
213. Roadside assistance
214. Sunset on the river
215. YouTube shark videos
216. Tubby time
217. Starting a new job.
218. Pumpkins with warts
219. Caramel apples
220. Nuks
221. Misty afternoons at the playground
222. Doggy diapers.  Sigh.
223.  Flower girl dresses
224. Sibling rivalry.  I love that they bicker already.  It is so cute.
225. Toddlers saying hi.
226. Skyping with grandma
227. Pumpkin cake
228. Nutella cake.
229. Refrigeration
230.  The crunch and smell of leaves
231. Salmon
232.  Waterfalls
233. Caves
234. Provision in creative ways
235. Seeing just how much I have
236. Bedtime prayers with my boy
237. Early morning snuggles with my lady
238.  The way she says "mama"
239. Drop in visits from friends
240. Raking leaves and jumping in them
241. Saying sorry and being forgiven
242. Doggy snoring. 
243. My mom
244. Learning new things
245.  Having a real community
246. Dinner with an old friend
247. People who talk about my Jameson
248. Being married.  And in love.  To the same person.
249. Having kids.
250. Not having anymore kids.
251. Fall leaves
252. My kids playing with daddy
253. Days off
254. Open communication
255. Early bedtimes for everyone
256. Family walks
257. Fruit trees
258. Early morning snuggles
259. Pastry mornings with hubs
260.  Blue skies and golden trees
261. Benadryl
262. Purring doggies
263. Full moon
264. Coyote howls late
265. Coffee
266. Epi pens
267. Babies running down a grassy slope
268.  Being wrong about something that turns in your favor
269. Health
270. Pine needles falling like rain
271. Cupcake parties
272. Static hair on the slide
273. Kicking through leaves
274. Blustery fall days
275. The way feathers fly when vacuumed
276. Washable crayons
277.  Toddler friends
278. Seeing him all proud after making the basket. 
279. Suction cup balls thrown on the window
280. Pizza delivery
281. A new window in the smile
282. Snoring doggies

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Looking Out the Window

Its nap time.  Such a happy time for a momma.  Time to catch up on the laundry, the dishes, maybe even get a jump start on dinner.  And maybe have a few minutes to sit down, enjoy another cup of coffee and relax.  I'm in the relax part of this nap that will most likely be over for one sassy lass any minute.

The coffee is a little cold from sitting on the table waiting for what seems like minutes but has really been hours.  The mornings go so fast.  I've already microwaved it three times.  But it still tastes okay (the bar is set pretty low on days like these).

I'm sitting at the kitchen table and in front of me I have a huge picture window.  It is probably 15 feet across and four feet high.  It take up almost an entire wall in our house and it is one of the reasons I love this house.  Out the window, I see blue skies and towering pines and golden maples that look like the sun decided to up and grow into a tree.  Occasionally a bird flies by, a squirrel scampers up a tree, a dog barks somewhere up the road.  It is so beautiful.  So peaceful.  It helps make the coffee taste better.  It puts a smile on my lips and a pleasant tune in my mind.  The beauty surrounding me makes it a little easier to breath.  Full, satisfying breaths.  The kind that make you feel whole.  Looking out my window right now it is hard to imagine there are such things as pain and sadness and hate in this world.

But then I fire up the trusty old Mac and glance over the headlines at CNN.  And the whole world is turned on its head.  There is nothing but pain and sadness and hate there.  There are children killing children and people dying, and abductions and beatings and suicides and wars and it is all too much.  I look back out the window, but this time I notice the brown curling edges of the leaves, the noises of the traffic, the dirt on the glass.  The world has marred my view. 

But I'm sitting here with goosebumps, thinking how I never want my kids to leave the house again and feeling really crummy about all the world going to hell in a handbag.  It is making me mad, all this violence and hate.  How it destroys everything.  People, towns, days, years.  And I think about that poor woman in California who committed suicide on the one year anniversary of her son's suicide.  And I can't let go.  Not of her pain.  Or mine. 

And I look out the window and I'm angry and sad and shaken by this world that takes so much away.  It steals joy and wears away our souls until we are bare and worn and weak.  But there is more.  I feel it in my soul.  This world steals and beats and spreads its black wings out, but there are places it cannot touch.  I will not let it cover me and take away truth.

Because even in the darkest hour there is hope.  And even in the most broken lives there is beauty.  And for as much hate as we see everywhere, I know love abounds.  And I choose hope.  I choose beauty.  I choose love. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

Salmon

I can't sleep.  This never happens.  But here I am at 3 am wide awake, thinking about the weekend we just had and all these thoughts swirling in my head.  I tried snuggling into Hubs a little closer.  Tried dreaming.  Counted sheep.  I'm just awake.  And thankful already for the coffee that will most certainly be needed when the day really begins. 

It feels like it was a big weekend.  Hubs had the whole things off; the end of a good rotation before one that will keep him at the hospital all the time begins.  We crammed a lot in.  Movie nights with Little Man, Daddy/son dates at the rock gym, friends over for dinner, walks to the park to pick up leaves freshly fallen.  The bright oranges and golden yellows  and deep reds littered the ground.  Fall is here.  The air feels crisp and cool.  The smells are a little earthier and richer.  Another season full of gifts is upon us.

Sunday we spent the day hiking and marveling at all the wonders abounding in this great wide world.  We hiked on wide trails with great canopies full of golden leaves and the sun filtering down just enough to warm us through.  We walked alongside creeks and saw the last of the salmon spawning below tall and wild waterfalls. 

The salmon are amazing creatures, the way they fight and push up the rivers to lay their eggs.  They work so hard against the currents, jumping over rocks, splashing their way through places too shallow and swiming in the deep pools with the strong currents always against them, always pushing them back.  And after they lay their eggs in the place where they were born, they keep fighting the current, keep pressing on until they die.  It seems so exhausting, watching them fight and swim and struggle like they do.  We saw many today that were near the end and even in their weakened state they still fight on.  I watched and wondered and thought about how they choose to keep going, keep pushing against the waters and refuse to go to the deep pools and rest.  They just keep fighting and working and swimming to the end. 

Much of life feels that way to me; I am going upstream in this quest to seek and live joy.  The world pushes me down and wears me down and the waters just keep running.  But those fish, they just keep going.  They don't stop until they die.  It's amazing.  So often in my weariness I just want to give up and let the current carry me out to sea.  And yet, I keep fighting too.  And I will keep swimming against this relentless push against me to give in to the sadness and weariness of the world.  I want to be like the salmon and live and push and struggle on day after day.  There is beauty there beyond compare.  And this one wild and gorgeous life I have been given is going to count. 


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Processor Failure

Posting this is slightly monumental.  Because I'm technologically challenged + I have a toddler who likes to help me type.  And my computer up and died last week.  The Dell kicked it.  When I turn it on, I get the seven beeps of death over and over and over and nothing else.  When you google the seven beeps of death, you learn it means the computer is in processor failure.  Which means it is time to upgrade to a new computer.  Except that upgrading to a new computer means buying a new computer, which is so totally not in the budget.  Groceries have a slight edge this month. 

So I'm using Hubs old MacBook from med school.  I haven't used an Apple since junior high and they're a little different now.  Just trying to figure out which fingers to move which way on the mouse pad is killing me...I should have Little Man teach me...it is like kids are programed at birth to just know the technology of their generation.  The things he figures out astound me sometimes. But blogging is a little trickier here since the MacBook's memory is full and I can't upload pics to put on here.  I'll have to be descriptive, which could get funny. 

For instance, I really wanted to post a picture of my sneakers on here.  I'm really aging myself today -admitting I can't use a Mac, using words like sneakers....  Anywho, Little Man's school had this fantastic celebration this morning for Walk and Bike to School Day.  They had the Timbers Mascot here and Doc Broc, another picture I wish I could post.  I digress, but Doc Broc, come on!  It's an insane amount of cheese and awesomeness crammed into a man wearing a broccoli floret costume with a white coat.  Fun all the way down to the monster shamrock (or broccoli!) green converse shoes.  Awesomeness all around.  I took a picture this morning on my smarter-than-me phone and sent it to Hubs and told him I wished he were this cool of a Doc.  And that I wish our last name were Broc.  That would have motivated me to go to medical school.  Doc Broc.  My cheese radar cannot handle it. 

But back to the sneakers.  At this Walk and Bike to School party, they were giving out free shoe laces.  Nice, bright, glow-in-the-darkish yellow shoe laces.  Hideous shoe laces, but great for walking outside!  Well, it just so happens that my shoe laces in my hiking shoes are all mangled and falling apart.  Being ever so thrifty, I thought to myself, this is a great way to replace them, using these neon yellow laces.  My shoes are a stony beige hiking shoe.  And the laces I took out were a really dark brown.  And now I've got these dark beigey sneakers with these neon yellow laces in them.  Sigh.  I wish I could show you a picture, its just so....lovely.  Ahem.  Right. 

One of these days I will figure out how to add pictures on here from my phone.  Then you'll be able to see the monster pile of clean, unfolded and wrinklier-by-the-day laundry in my bedroom.  It's overtaken four baskets and growing!  And I'll put up Doc Broc and the sneakers, too.  And some food.  Like the pumpkin cake I made yesterday afternoon that is already half gone.  Because eating pumpkin cake for breakfast counts as getting in veggies.  I wonder what Doc Broc would say about that logic.  Ah, he was so cool! 

Alas, I must go and tame the mountain of laundry before Hub's scrubs get too wrinkled.  Can't have him looking more disheveled than produce in a white coat.  I really can't help it.  Doc Broc! 

Happy Hump Day!  (Speaking of that, have you all seen the Geico commercial turned song on YouTube? Almost as fun as Doc Broc!) 


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

206

1000 List
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation. 
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11.  Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16.  A Good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water.  Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22.  Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby. 
23.  Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work. 
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My moms meatloaf in the oven
32.  Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33.  Painting with toddlers. 
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee.  How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road. 
41.  Baby squirrels chasing each other in the trees. 
42.  Acorns
43.  Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44.  Coffee. Did I already say that?
45.  Being married to my best friend
46.  Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47.  Garden snakes.  Yes I did just say that.
48.  Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49.  IPod music
50. When the word neighbors really means friends
51. The enchilada sauce that breaks in the new kitchen.  Yes the paint really is scrubbable.
52.  Thunder and that rain smell that gets into your brain and makes you feel like a kid with a sidewalk full of puddles and no one around to say don't.
53.  Buddies for my kids
54.  A job interview that feels more like coffee with an old Friend
55.  Football season
56. Pumpkin anything and everything.
57. When she made a sound effects while playing with planes and trucks.
58.  Footie jammies
59. Beach days
60. Pints on the deck
61. Flying kites
62. The way birds sail in the breeze
63.  Pizza by the slice
64. Salty ocean air
65.  Low heavy clouds and blue skies all at once.
66.  Waves crashing on the sandy shore. 
67.  The perfect mix of sun heat and breeze
68. Sea gull cries.
69. Driftwood
70. Watching kids chasing birds on the sand
71. Sand and barefeet
72. My sons clothing choices...camp fleece pants with a muscle shirt and Mardi gras beads...at a restaurant.  Love.
73. Bedtime.
74. Hot showers
75. The newspaper.
76. Chasing wves in the ocean
77. Being big spoon at bedtime
78. My washing machine
79. My dishwasher
80. Hand me down clothes and toys
81. Sticky notes
82. Watching promises unfold in His time
83. Wind chimes
84.  Hearing my kids singing
85. Unintentional funnies from kids
86. Hearing the birds sing while lying in bed early
87. Mops
88. the snooze button
89. Living in a tight knit community and not being an outsider
90.  Watching diggers
91.   Music.
92. Clear starry night.
93.  Bread rising on the stove.
94. Pizza night with family
95.  Laughter of my kids playing together.
96. Comfy bed.
97. Spider webs catching all the fruit flies
98. Golden leaved falling from the trees
99. Cooking for my family
100. promise of eternity
101. Cloudy days
102. Sword ferns
103. Tree swings
104. Baby grass
105. Hope
106.  Fragrant wet cedar
107. Living in America
108. Pacific time zone so I can actually stay awake to finish a game.
109. Birthday cake
110. Late night laughter with hubs
111. New babies
112. Impromptu dinner invites
113. C S Lewis.
114. Encouraging texts and emails from friends.
115. Tree climbing
116. Chaotic playgrounds
117. Slides and static electricity.
118. Clouds heavy with rain rolling in
119. Kids playing tag
120. Fiery maple leaves
121. Late start days
122. Doggies running in their sleep
123. Marshmallows
124. Pictures on my kids
125. Neighbors
126. A good cold beer after a long day
127. Answer of small prayers and seeing the gifts they are.
128. Being able to connect with family and friends so easily with technology
129. Hot showers
130. Exciting opportunities
131.  Having options
132.  Realizing that almost every problem in my life is a mere first world annoyance and what a blessing that is even when it sucks
133. Owls on a hike
134. Out of town guests
135. Vacation days
136. Seeing the wonder of everything from a childs eyes
137. Silver flashes of birch in the wind
138. Cool fall mornings
139. Restaurants with play areas
140. Sleeping baby eye lashes.
141.  Tutus
142. Mountain vistas
143. Tide pools
144. Slugs all over on a hike
145. Getting to share favorite places with favorite people. 
146. Sisters
147. Elk poop
148. Rainy beach days
149. Fig and goat cheese crepes
150. Nutella
151. Bread bowl clam chowder
152. Fancy coffee presents
153. Backing up my hard drive a week before the computer crashes
154. Working and clean smelling furnace
155. The ocean.
156.  Laughter. 
157. Yellow galoshes
158.  Watching kids splash in puddles
159. Steamy grass after a rain shower
160. Getting to Starbucks a few minutes early. 
161.  Getting to go to Starbucks at all.
162. Whipped cream.  Seriously. 
163.  Pumpkin spice latte..how is this my first time!?
164. Remembering Gods faithfulness and seeing it even in the hard times.
165. Not having to wait at an awesome restaurant
166. Dust motes in a stream of sun
167. Crisp cool fall air
168. Baby snores
169. Still getting big hugs and kisses at school drop off
170. Craig's list
171. Crisp sweet apples
172. Having a handy hubs
173. Napping in the sun on a cool day.
174. Getting to stay home with my lady
175. Wool socks
176. Playing I spy with wood floor grains
177.  Pink dress up hats
178. Snails
179. The national anthem
180. My boy.  Always.
181. Rocket inventions. 
182. daddy daughter snuggles
183. Singing babies
184.  Hallway bowling
185. Composting
186. Staying dry on super rainy weekends
187.  Finding the perfect job.
188.  Toothpaste
189. Soup in the pot
190. Finding an old friend close by!
191. Sunflowers
192. Blue skies and sun after rainy days
193. Finishing projects
194. Toddlers jumping
195. Piano lessons
196. Discovering a new good book
197. Apples and cinnamon baking
198. Rosy cheeks
199. Jammies with feet
200. Modern medicine
201. Movie days
202. Coffee with whipped cream just because
203. Exploring with kids
204. An extra bedtime kiss
205. Down comforters
206. An organized closet!




And for the record, Hubs has like twice as many clothes as I do.  Throwing him under the bus...  Happy Wednesday!





Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Feels Like Home

Sorry I've been away for so long.  Life has a way of getting busy and crazy and then maybe even a little crazier.  But good, too.

Hubs had a week of vacation.  It was amazing.  Auntie K came out from Minnesota to play and we went to some of our favorite places.  We spent a day at the beach and ate crepes with nutella and banana and whipped cream, which is a little bit of heaven on earth.  We had chowder in bread bowls.  We went downtown and ate at some award winning restaurants.  We drank some mighty fine oktoberfests.  We hiked in the rain and stopped to smell the roses.  We hugged a few trees.  Little Lady even puckered up and smooched a few.  My kids love to hug trees and it makes my heart happy. 

After Auntie K flew home, Hubs got to work and put in our microwave and our floors!  We have real floors.  No more particle board floors that suck up every.little.spill like a sponge.  There is still a little left to do, but Lord have mercy, my house feels like a home. 

Yesterday I unpacked pictures.  We've been here for months without art.  It was awful, but I didn't realize it until I actually hung a few things up yesterday.  I can't wait to get the hammer and picture hangers in full swing again today, although I will wait because....  Drumroll, please....  I finally finished painting our bedroom closet and today is the day I unpack our clothes! 

Here is how I see it going down:  I'm going to vacuum up the dog hair in our room and lay our all the bins that will become Hub's "dresser" and then I'm going to get the mega box of hangers out of the garage and then I'm going to literally dump every article of clothing we own out onto the floor and start sorting.  Since Little Lady is such a great helper, this should be a fun all day project.  In a way, it's kinda like Christmas.  I get to unpack a whole wardrobe!  And maybe tomorrow I might put on clothes that I haven't worn every day for the past three months straight.   Ho, ho, ho. 

The chaos gets more and more fun every day.  But now I've got to get going and start the day.  These school mornings can get a little dicey with kids who want to sleep in.  This is called karma and everyone who knew me in high school should be laughing.  I was the world's crabbiest waker-upper ever.  I hated mornings so much that I would shower in the dark.  Blow dry my hair in the dark.  Curl my bangs with a hot curling iron in the dark.  I even put on my mascara in the dark.  Which may explain why I didn't date much in high school. 

Exciting things on the horizon: my Dad is coming to visit soon.  I start a nanny job for a cutie pie little guy soon.  Soup season is officially here. 

I'll check in soon with my 1000 list...I'm at 200 now! 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Six

Happy Birthday Jameson. 

We love you and miss you and hope you are having a lovely party in Heaven today. 

We will sing to you and eat cake and share good memories. 
















Thursday, September 12, 2013

Gone

I'm struggling this week.  Missing my boy.  Thinking about what 6 should be like.  Remembering how awful things were three years ago.  Wishing so hard it were all a different story I could be sharing today. 

My heart is imploding as I write this; grasping to find the words that I cannot articulate.  To describe what it is like three years later.  The loss is just as great; it does not diminish over time.  Instead, it almost feels like it gets bigger as more time goes by.  More time that could have and should have been.  More time that was stolen away from us.  The nagging feeling that we've been cheated out of one of the best things we ever had never goes away.  It is always right there, under the veil of composure we try to hard to maintain. 

But this week is tough one.  It is harder to focus, to talk, to think, to breathe.  The ache tugs a little more.  The hole gapes wider.  The tears flow faster.  And there is no release.  He is gone in the morning when I wake up.  And gone when I accidentally pull too many bowls down for the cereal at breakfast.  And he is gone when I make the beds and fold the socks and pick up the toys littering the floors.  He is gone when we drop off and pick up from school.  He is gone when we walk to the park.  He is gone when we eat dinner and when we have baths and read stories.  He is gone when the prayers are said.  And his bed stays empty  when the others are tucked in and kissed because he is gone.  And he is gone when the sun goes down and the world gets quiet.  He is gone when the dishes are washed and the shirts are ironed.  He is gone when I lie in bed at night.  And he is still gone when I wake in the middle of the night and can't sleep.  He is always gone. 

And while I sit here in a puddle, gasping for breathe, struggling to stay present, the world just keeps spinning.  And people all around me keep smiling.  And breakfasts till need to be made and dishes still need to be done.  And laundry mountains grow and drywall sits unfinished and paperwork piles up because I cannot move.  And I try to be gentle and allow the grief to happen.  Because it's okay to have hard weeks.  But the world still turns.  And I pray for grace to flow out and cover my family.  Because I am not the only one grieving.  This is hard week for all of us. 


Thursday, September 5, 2013

The First 50

An update...

1000 List
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation. 
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11.  Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16.  A good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water.  Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22.  Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby. 
23.  Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work. 
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My mom's meatloaf in the oven
32.  Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33.  Painting with toddlers. 
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee.  How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road. 
41.  Grape vines in  my yard 
42.  Acorns
43.  Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44.  Coffee. Did I already say that?
45.  Being married to my best friend
46.  Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47.  Garden snakes.  Yes I did just say that.
48.  Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49.  IPod music
50.  whipped cream

What are you thankful for today?  

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Dates

Yesterday was August 31st.  I thought about it a week ago-ish and then I had my days all mixed up and they day went by wholly unnoticed.  And then again all day today, I forgot all about it until tonight.  I was just picking up Narnia to read to Little Man when the date crashed over my head like a ton of bricks.  Along with a few extra bricks at the end for not remembering on the date.

Three years ago on August 31st, Jameson went in for a routine hernia surgery and our world changed forever.  Because there was never anything routine about Jameson.  And this routine surgery turned into a hospital stay, which turned into a PICU stay, which turned into the worst nightmare ever imaginable and in so many ways, it is still going on.

And now it is September first.  And school is starting in two days for Little Man.  And if Jameson were still here, he'd be going into kindergarten.  Come Wednesday, I'm going to feel pretty damn sad when I think about how I should be packing two lunches.  And in two weeks, my special little boy would be turning 6.  He's been gone for almost as long as he was here.

There seems to be a fine line in this grieving between remembering and allowing myself to be sad and dwelling on the sadness.  The dwelling is easy, but it totally sucks.  Because it isn't Jameson, which is really what I want to be thinking about it.  It's not looking at him, but looking at the black hole that is where he used to be.  And that sucks.  September is a hard month to remember but not dwell.  But I'm going to try.

Tonight, though.  I'm just tired.  The days are long but the years are short.  It is one of the most true statements I've ever heard about parenting.  But enough of all of this.  I'm going to bed and I'm going to think of my Jameson.  Not his four months of dying or his death or his absence, but of him.  And his laugh.  And his painting eating. And the way he would stick his whole fist in the yogurt and giggle while the dogs licked his hands.  And the way he danced.  And the way he snuggled. And the way he made everyone around him love him just because.  

I can't believe it's already been three years. 
















Monday, August 26, 2013

It's not about Me

It is raining outside.  It sounds so lovely.  The pitter patter on the roof, the deck, the driveway.  On one had it makes me nervous because so much has gone wrong with this house that I find myself walking around staring up at my ceiling, praying I don't find any new water marks.  But I should not worry.  I'm fairly certain we have a good roof. 

Rain is also so soothing.  It kind of melts my insides when I sit back and just listen.  Everything slows down and there is only me and the rain and dark. 

It hasn't really rained since we've lived here.  A sign of God's faithfulness and love to me.  Since we've moved in, we've had building materials, carpeting, old drywall pieces, and all kinds of construction trash piling up all around our house and under our deck.  And I was concerned that if it rained, it would make a colossal mess and everything would be a million times harder to dispose.  And it didn't rain.  And weeks went by and it was hot and sunny, but cool at night.  And dry.  Always dry.  And then the dumpster came.  And we spent three days filling it to the brim.  And the day it was taken away, it rained.  Maybe it seems like a coincidence to you.  Maybe you'd like to say we just got lucky.  Or tell me it's just how an Oregon summer goes.  But I know better.  It was a gift in reply to a prayer. 

And now it is raining.  And I feel my soul melting down and relaxing into this blessing.  This rain is washing away all that is left of the cat pee and drywall dust and the memories of it all will fade away. 

I love the rain.

As I sit here at the computer, waiting for Hubs to call for a ride home on this dark and rainy night, I'm trying to figure out where to go from here.  It has been a trying week in some ways.  Emotionally and spiritually I've been challenged in powerful ways to think better, speak better, be better. 

These moments of reflection and challenge are so interesting in the way they can rock your world without a single other soul noticing.  It's kinda funny that way. 

I've been angry and sad for little while now.  All the time angry and sad.  And I can still smile and have a nice day, but deep down in my core, there are black clouds that need to go.  And the snippy replies and the yelling and unyielding darkness need to go too.  After talking with a very smart and trusted friend, I've come to the realization that my grief has made me angry and bitter and sad.  But I don't want to be angry or bitter or sad.  I want live.  I want to be happy.  I want to do right by J's life and do right by mine. 

And so I spent more time thinking and writing and speaking with another good friend about it.  And I realized that in this whole grieving and blogging and talking process, I've become so fixated on trying to figure out who I am now and what I am feeling now and how I fit into the world that I've failed to grasp that it isn't really about me at all.  And perhaps in my search to navigate the world I've been spending so much time focusing on myself that I've become a self absorbed, angry, bitter woman. 

And maybe, just maybe, instead of spending so much time trying to see how I fit, how I feel, how it all works for me, I need to stop thinking about myself all the time.

Because it's not really about me at all.

Or at least it shouldn't be.  Don't get me wrong, self reflection can be a good thing.  Clearly this post involves quite a bit of it.  But one thing that I've learned more than once and seem to keep forgetting is that unhappiness follows when it's all about me.  This whole self serving mindset that our world touts is nothing but a lie. 

Joy doesn't come from looking in the mirror.  Joy comes from looking at God.  From seeking Him.  From searching for His gifts and His challenges just for you.  Yeah, challenges.  Who doesn't like adventures that make you grow?  Sure, climbing a mountain is hard work.  But once you reach the summit, you are stronger and can appreciate the beauty and accomplishment of that moment.  That moment of joy doesn't come when you take the gondola up.  It's the challenge and the overcoming and growth that make it make it worthwhile. 

It's a very humbling experience to write out a fault.  And then to publish it for the world to read.  But accountability is a good thing.  And I don't want to be like this any more.  I've been working very hard to look out instead of in.  I've been working very hard to speak love.  I've been biting my tongue a lot and trying to stop and just not be angry all of the time. It takes a lot of patience.  I used to be really good at patience.

The one thing that helps the most when I'm angry and bitter and sad is to find something, anything to be thankful for.  And I've read the book and followed the blog, but I've never really wrote out my 1000 gifts before.  So I'm going do it here.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, look up Ann Voskamp and her best-selling book One Thousand Gifts. 

1. Cleansing Rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. morning cuddles with sleepy babies.
5. doggy deep breathing at my feet

My perspective and life are going to change.  Would you join me? 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Live And Learn

Things are really starting to heat up in home improvement world.  We had the dumpster delivered this past weekend and ripped out all of the flooring in the entire upstairs.  And then a few walls and subfloors as we found new surprises. 


This is my entryway and stairwell.  We found more cat pee in a few areas when trim and flooring were removed.  I'm going to refrain from sharing my feelings about cats and their pee and their owners.  And I'm terribly sorry about the smell if you come over.  I'm going to do all my Kilzing at the same time, so it's on hold and nasty. 

The kitchen floor is also a nasty mess.  When we ripped out the 2 layers of linoleum, the particleboard subfloor was actually wet and all musty and a little moldy.  Awesome.  Yet another subfloor bites the dust.  Hubs dug it all out and cleaned it up while the kids and I got some fresh air.  So along with the a huge chunk of the kitchen wall that has been ripped out, the the two walls and floors in our closet, a large section of subfloor from our bedroom, the basement storage closet, the basement bathroom wall behind the vanity, and the two walls in the stairwell, we've tossed out a large amount of sheetrock and particleboard.  Nasty, stinky sheetrock.  Sigh. 

But this weekend is hopefully the last of the big demolition projects.  Hubs also cut up the 30 year old hot tub that hasn't been turned on for at least 20 years and shoved that in the dumpster too.  It was so full by that point that he actually had to get in the dumpster and go at a few corners of the tub with an axe so nothing was sticking out.  It maybe wasn't his favorite day, especially after working a night shift.  He slept really, really well when he finally got to bed last night. 


I'm hopeful to think we are now on the upswing and the rebuilding stage of this colossal project.  The guys at Home Depot know me by name and have repeatedly told me we are rebuilding a whole house!  It sure feels that way.  It seems like I'm there almost every day as we find surprises or try something and it doesn't work and have to go back and find something else.

I'm learning a lot about a lot in this process.  And a lot of it is by trial and error.   Like attempting to texturize an entire ceiling by flicking joint compound off a freaking scrub brush.  My fingers are almost healed now.  Almost. 

And maybe don't stand right under the roller when painting your ceiling unless you want white hair and a speckled face.  And for the love of God, use primer first, which everyone in the world must already know.  Here we are with a 34 year old ceiling that has never once been painted and I'm the idiot who just finished the third coat of paint and praying to God it drys well enough because it is the thirstiest ceiling in the world.  Yes. 

And drywalling is incredibly frustrating, especially when working around pipes.  Holy crap, working around pipes just made me want to give up.  So I did.  I figured that since it's going to be under a cabinet it doesn't matter what it looks like and just cut a big square out of the middle, pieced some drywall where I could and then filled in the gaps with Great Stuff foam.  It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. 


But then I started thinking about how impossible it is to remove that crap.  If we ever have to do any repair work in that wall, we're gonna have to hire someone just to save our marriage.  I already feel bad for our future plumber.  But at least the wall is closed?  Tomorrow I will paint that bumpy mess "celery ice" and be happy.  Hey, at least it's not cat pee...

It is all so much work.  And most of it isn't fun work.  But the feelings of accomplishment afterward tend to make it all worthwhile.  And if the feelings don't do it for me, the new kitchen
probably will!  Only 8 more days of washing dishes in the bathroom sink.  I think I can, I think I can...

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Happy Hikers

I'm afraid I'm not much better at texturizing than I am at mudding and taping drywall.  But I think I'm good enough.  It is a messy messy process!  I'm standing on a ladder, up by the ceiling, flicking watered down joint compound onto the ceiling  from a scrub brush with my fingers.  And the joint compound goes everywhere.  It was in my hair, in my eyes, the floor is covered, along with all the cabinets and appliances.  The process hurts, too.  I had to stop yesterday because the bristles in the scrub brush started cutting open the tips of my fingers and all of a sudden the brush was pink.  Six bandaids later I tried again, but they wouldn't stay on.  It's no joke that I've poured blood, sweat, and tears into this house already.  I'm going to have to try a different method today, because my fingers are shot.

The home improvement projects are getting busy and a little crazy for the next two weeks.  We are getting a dumpster delivered in a few days.  I'm crazy excited about this.  It's also our anniversary weekend and let me tell you, we know how to keep it hot!  Eleven years is garbage and demolition for this lucky couple.  We are tearing out all the kitchen cabinets, appliances, flooring.  We are finally getting rid of the piles of junk the sellers left us.  The remaining cat pee drywall and subflooring will finally be gone. 

Ah.  Getting rid of the junk and mess will be so nice.  Even if it does take two weeks before we have a functional kitchen with running water again.  The upside about this is that we get to go out a little more than normal.  I'm really excited about that one.

Saturday Hubs had a day off and we drove over to the Columbia River Gorge and did a beautiful hike.  It ran along a creek and there was a beautiful, slightly hidden waterfall.  And beautiful rocky formations.  It was shady and cool by the creek and the boy found giant slugs everywhere. It was quiet when the girl wasn't yelping to get out of the backpack.  We walked.  We noticed the trees.  We stopped to let the kids explore the rocky cliffs and throw pebbles and chase frogs at the creek bed.  We heard the birds singing sweet melodies and watched hawks circle the skies.  We held hands and told jokes and smiled.  We thanked God for this wild and amazing world. 

It was a lovely afternoon and so needed.  The joy soaked into my bones and it is still here, radiating through my body.  Stepping out and disconnecting from the normal and SEEING the world is, for me, a necessary process.  I can feel the world chipping away at my soul day after day and there is nothing that heals me like a walk in the woods.  It is the nature.  The calm.  The unpluggedness of it all.  There are no agendas and no chores.  There is God's creation all before me and a yearning from within to look and SEE.  And not only see the splendor of the forests and skies but also of gifts before me each day that I take for granted at times.  Getting out into the wild makes me SEE my Little Man and Little Lady.  And Hubs.  When we hike, all becomes a gift.

Well, almost all of it.  The boy still whines about blisters and asks us eight million times for granola bars.  The girl fights to get out of the backpack, tries to run the other way, cries when we don't let her pick the poison oak.  And it can sometimes be a lot of work to see past all that in order to SEE.  But there is magic in the slugs and waterfalls and majestic trees and they call to us all and we soon stop worrying about the funny tag in the shirt and the dirt on the blankey and the whines and cries settle and we can all take a deep, clean breath and just be.  We seek and we receive Joy. 



"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."  -John Muir