Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Riding The Bus

I just put my baby big boy on the bus for the very first time. I am going to be a bundle of nerves all day until I pick him up at the stop this afternoon. How did he get big enough to ride the bus?
We did the first day of Kindergarten on Monday and I didn't cry or even tear up; instead, I'm super excited and proud of my boy. But for some reason, riding the bus seems just that much more monumental to me and I'm having a moment over here.

My first baby turned big. Sigh.

I'm sitting on my couch looking out over the water and trying to figure out where to go from here. It has been an awfully long time since I've really updated and written on here and so much has happened. I think the 3 week vacation and almost 2000 pictures we took will have to wait; no, I did not accidentally add an extra zero there. I know. Picking the favorites will probably take some time.

We found an amazing rental house up north on a lake. It is beautiful and quiet and perfect for right now. I feel like we are living at a retreat or a resort and I think it will be therapeutic in many ways.

Jameson would love it here. Maybe not the cold, but the lake and the sand beach and the loons calling early in the morning and the otters who playfully swim past our dock. I know his treasures are so much greater in heaven- I'm talking about about stale, melted gummy bears covered in pocket lint and he's got creme brule sitting in front of him. But it is all I know. I miss him so much and it hurts every day. I still feel like I'm drowning in sorrow so many days. And it is still hard to breathe. And change seems to make it more difficult. Vacation makes it more difficult. Anytime we make new memories, it stings and rips the scars a little bit.

 He is not here where he should be.

It can be so hard to take steps forward, when everything inside is screaming to turn around, longing to go backwards, to just be in those three years forever. And every day seems like I'm walking farther away when all I want is to move closer.

But I can't go backwards and I can't just stand still when the whole world is moving and growing and changing. And even if I could, it still wouldn't bring Jameson back. He is gone and I am still here. And I have the choice to either squander this time that has been given to me or to use it. Because my days are also numbered, and happy or sad, that number stays the same. So why wouldn't I try to move forward? Why wouldn't I want to continue to live the gift that life is?

It is hard to do some days. When the ache of the missing takes over. When the tears won't stop. When everything is a reminder of what I used to have and don't anymore. And I have to remind myself over and over again that he is Home. That someday I will see him again. That while this separation seems terribly long and unbearable to me, it is just a single drop in the bucket of time.

There is so much to look forward to, but there is also still so much here to be thankful for. My God is so good and I still lead an incredibly blessed life. The family, the friends, the gifts He bestows daily. I don't want to get so trapped in the missing and the sorrow that I miss the treasures.

Sigh. It has been an emotionally challenging and draining month. I'm overall doing well, but having rough times here and there. I must really need to get back into the kitchen and get baking! Thanks for checking in and I'll hopefully have some happier updates soon.

Thursday, September 15, 2011