Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Memories To Last A Lifetime

Jameson loved to eat paint.

He loved markers too.

He would bite the tips off and the markers would bleed into his mouth and it made him so happy. It used to drive me crazy, but now it is like finding buried treasure when I find a marker with no tip. I smile and show J's marker to Little man and he shakes his head and laughs. He loved to be messy.

Seriously. How can you not smile? Especially when you don't have to clean up the mess!

We had three years with our son. Three years of fun memories and sweet moments. Three years of adventure and love and happiness to remember. Three years of memories that have to last us a lifetime.

Little Man has this new thing -he loves to give me a certain number of kisses and hugs to get me through before we part for preschool or bedtime. And he loves it when I give him a dozen smooches before bed to get him through the night. It is so cute, this idea that the more you have now, the longer you can go without. But it doesn't really work that way, I think. If we had four years or fourteen years or even just four months it would still be the same and never be enough to get us through. He is gone and it aches no matter how many memories there are.

And looking at the pictures and talking about the funny times and remembering the awesome love that we shared is so bittersweet. Some days it doesn't feel like he was ever real and I have to work to remember his laughter and look at the pictures until I can feel the still-so-raw and bleeding scar on my heart. Other times he is in my mind so vividly it seems like he was really just there and I almost want to look around the corner to make sure that the laughter wasn't really here. And still other days I can't get past the horror of the last four months of his life and I will forever be tormented with wondering if we did the right thing. He suffered so much and how could we let it go on for so long? But how can you not cling to even the thinnest threads of hope? How can you not hope for and believe in the miracle? How do you know, when it isn't black and white? How do you ever know?

It sometimes feels like all that is left are broken hearts and memories. He was only three years old. And we will miss him for a lifetime.

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