Monday, March 28, 2011

Giving It To God

Last night I had a dream that Little Man was in the PICU and one of our Oncology Specialists said that he had Pancreatic Cancer. It was so vivid and detailed. It seemed and felt so real. When I finally woke up I was drenched in sweat and my heart was racing. It was just a dream, a very bad and scary dream. It was not real.

But sometimes the fear that I experienced in that dream is real. And sometimes I don't know how to stop that fear. It is difficult to not become paranoid. I mean, Jameson was a perfectly healthy little boy! Other than needing synthetic thyroid meds and ear tubes, he was healthy. He didn't even get a lot of colds. He went from totally healthy in the eyes of his many physicians(and he did see a number of specialists regularly) to mortally ill in the course of a few days. If it can happen to him, who's to say it can't or won't happen to Little Man? Or Hubs? Or me?

I don't want to live in fear; I don't want to become a hypochondriac. And I don't want to stop living just because there is risk in the world. But I find myself fighting back panic often over silly, simple things. If Little Man's cough just doesn't seem right I want to call the doctor and get him in immediately. If Hubs is really late and I haven't heard from him, I want to check the news to make sure there haven't been any accidents. If I get a really bad headache, the worst case scenario pops into my mind. But I don't want to live like this!

So I battle my insane imagination and unreliable emotions with logic and prayer. I talk to Hubs. I recite Bible verses to myself. I listen to Christian radio. And I get on my knees. Often. Some days I have to give the same fear over to God again and again and again. Why I keep taking it back is beyond me because I certainly don't do anything constructive with it. Instead, it paralyzes me and I'm not able to do anything at all.

When I do give it to God, He gives me peace, courage, strength and freedom.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, give I to you. Don’t let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

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