I went back to MOPS yesterday. I wasn't prepared for the raw emotion to start bubbling up in the car on the way there. I probably should have been; we did that drive a lot last year with J and I have so many memories of him in the car on the way to the grocery store we just passed. And the car wash. And the park. And MOPS. Walking in those doors was so difficult. If Little Man hadn't been so excited to be there I probably would have turned around and gone back home. But he was really excited, so we stayed. I'm so glad we did, but it was so hard. So hard to think, to talk, to breathe.
On the car ride home I remembered how Jameson always had to eat a
breakfast bar in the car on the way home because he always fell asleep
in the car. And I would gently lift him from his car seat and carry him
to bed for his nap. I was trying so hard to remember the exact feel of
him in my arms. The weight of his head on my shoulder, the feel of his
arms and legs and belly snuggling in on me, the smell of his hair. And
whatever scab had crusted over my heart was ripped off yesterday
afternoon. I made it through dinner and then all of the pain and
heartache welled up from the depths of my being and crashed down on me.
I took J's blankey to bed with me at 8:30 and cried myself to sleep.
He is gone from this earth and I am so happy for him. So happy for him.
Because is in heaven and it is so good. He is with Jesus. He is
probably smiling and looking down on us from some warm beach up there
and laughing as we
I have never looked to heaven with such anticipation. I've never longed
for it like home until now. Please don't get me wrong here- I have no
plans to see Jameson anytime soon. No matter how badly I am hurting, I
know that this life I have is still a gift from God and I intend to use
it until my time is up. But when that time comes, I will be ready and
willing to go home too. To be with Jesus and Jameson and the rest of my
family. To hold my baby again and kiss his sweet little head and see
him smile and hear him laugh as his daddy throws him in the air and know
that our fairy tale will end happily ever after.