Saturday, January 8, 2011

Baby Steps

I wish there was just one right way to do this. I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm trying to do things the right way for us, but it is going to be hard no matter what. On a daily and hourly basis, Little Man is what gets me through. When I can't figure out what I should be doing, I try to think about whether or not I'm doing right by him. On my birthday we stopped by the mall and rode the little train. Thursday we played cranes and trucks and made ziplines for the barrel of monkeys. Yesterday we tried a playdate in the morning. That was really hard. It is hard to meet someone new and have them ask if I am Jameson's mom because while they don't know me, they know the situation. And I think someone may have called Little Man Jameson more than once so we left early. We can't live in a bubble, but new things are hard. New people are hard. I know we need to keep going and living and exploring the world; as much as I sometimes want to, we cannot just hit fast-forward until we are reunited with our J. That would NOT be doing right by Little Man. Nor would it honor Jameson. I just wish I knew how to do this the right way.

We came home and I cooked. Cooking and baking seem to really help me out. I made meatballs.

Lots and lots of meatballs. Turkey and wild rice meatballs. To go in soup. Spicy, chipotle soup.

Soup is good for the soul. And cooking is good for my heart.

I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did it. It may have partly been motivation from the book Too Many Toys. It may partly have been my desire to actually begin to organize my house. We moved in just two weeks before J got sick, so we never really finished unpacking. And I know I'd have to do it sometime, so why not bite the bullet now. As least the first bullet, because I think there will be many. I packed up all J's diapers. Every cover has a memory of my sweet boy. Like this one.

He knew how to rock a diaper, that is for sure. So it was difficult to put them away. I'm not getting rid of anything. But that doesn't mean Little Man's room needs to be packed with stuff either. It was a hard thing to do and I'm sad about it but think it was the right thing for Little Man, too. Baby steps.

Little Man is still having a hard time sleeping at night. We've had a few nights where he has successfully slept all night in his own bed, but more nights than not are like last night; he started off okay in his own bed and sometime in the middle of the night cried about bad dreams and came in our room. Once he comes in our bed the child doesn't sleep. He pulls my hair, pokes Hubs the face, kicks us, talks...I don't know what is so exciting about being in our bed, but he cannot sleep with us. We finally kicked him back out at 7 and he slept until after 10. He really misses his sleepover buddy. Sigh. We'll get there.

I know there isn't one right way to do this. I know that every day will be different. Some days will be better than others. Some days will be spent entirely on my knees asking Jesus to get me through and begging him to kiss my baby for me. Some days will be wonderful and I'll smile and laugh and be happy to be here; the longing for Heaven maybe won't always be this strong. And some days, like yesterday, distractions will get me through. As for today, I'm grateful for football and Big Buck Hunter with my guys.

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