The Hard Months

We are into the four months of hard.  We have had family in town and it started over a holiday weekend and then school started up and work started back up and family went home and we've been working on project after project on the house.  But the dates don't go unnoticed.  The heart remembers.  The scars crack and rub raw when the last day of August rolls around. 

We were at the coast.  It was cold.  And even though nothing but my toes went into the water, I was drowning all day long.  We had this amazingly beautiful day at my favorite location with my favorite people in the world and I was smiling and laughing and having so much fun.  Except that my heart was breaking wide open. 

But He spent the whole day wooing me.  Reminding me of the promises that are for now and those that are for later. 

Four years ago my whole world began to shatter and crumble around me.  It left nothing untouched.  It took a third of a year and my whole life just.like.that. 

But the sun came up the next morning.  And the morning after that.  And it keeps rising and setting and the world keeps on turning and I'm spinning from all this back and forth, this never ending fight to stay present without losing the past.  Some days all I want to do is fall into the memories without ever coming up for air.  But I like to breathe.  I can't help it. 

Which is how I came to be at the coast, breathing in the salty air on the anniversary of my world falling to pieces and wondering how in the world my heart could be growing and bursting with love and happiness and shattering at the same time. 

This life is good.  My God, it is a damn beautiful life. 

But in one week, I'm going to be making a cake for a little boy who should be turning seven.  And I don't even know what kind of cake he would like anymore.  Because four years and two days ago he was diagnosed with a terminal disease. 

And it would be so easy to fall into the abyss right about now.  Except, it's not.  Because I close my eyes and I can see the pictures of my life all around.  There's this gorgeous red-head who never changes and never grows older and he's everywhere, plastered all over the walls of my home and heart.  But right along with him are more pictures.  There's this man-child who is turning more and more into his daddy every day and this girl with these blonde curls who has stolen my heart with her wild passion for this world and life.  And there's a tall drink of water who makes me thirsty just thinking about him, too.  And there are sunsets and mountain vistas and oceans.  Family and friends.   There is love and laughter and happiness and beauty.  So much beauty.

"Life is hard but so very beautiful" -Abraham Lincoln