And now I see Little Man growing up so well. He is so strong and healthy and smart and kind. I am so proud as I watch him conquer new things daily. And I wonder what J would be doing if here were still here. Would he have finally learned how to pedal his trike? Would his legs be long enough to reach the pedals? I wonder how much new mischief he would be in (probably loads!). I wonder if dinosaurs would still be his favorite thing. Would he still cuddle with me early in the mornings? What new dance moves would he have? The list is infinite. It doesn't always make me sad. I can think about my sweet boy and be happy. But sometimes it makes me sad. Because I hate missing out on the milestones. And I hate missing out on daily life with him.
But I also think about all the amazing things he can probably do now in heaven. I bet he can bust a move like no other! And I bet he could beat the Tour de France cyclists on his bike in heaven. And maybe he gets to play with real T-Rexes, and how can that make anyone sad to think about?
I'm not sad for him- he is in Heaven, enjoying himself and looking forward to seeing us someday. But I'm sad for us and especially for Little Man. Not a days goes by that he doesn't tell me he misses J. And I feel bad that he misses out on having a sibling when he had a best friend in his brother. He has adjusted so well, but life will never be the same; we will always feel that hole in our hearts that J took to Heaven. And it has changed us all.
It will be six months on Sunday. He has been gone for a half of a year. But really, it has been much longer. Those four months in the hospital were with J, but he was a different J. It has been ten months since I have heard my baby laugh. Ten months since I have seen him dance, heard him roar, felt him hug back. And you know what? It sucks. And I just really miss him.