Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Contemplative and Slightly Rambling

I'm still feeling contemplative and still not sure how to put my thoughts and feelings into words that actually make sense. I'm so thankful Hubs understands me well enough that we can talk things through even when I don't make any sense and he still gets it. I've been struggling a lot with my Bible readings and the contrasting pictures of God in the old and new testaments and how they fit into my perspective and experiences, especially in light of Jameson's death. It is a big, complex subject; I feel like I know so little of who God is and what I really understand and believe sometimes. But I don't think that is a bad thing. So often, I coast through the days on what I think I already know and feel and don't bother to see if anything else is there, just outside my tunnel vision. Really slowing down and taking inventory of my surroundings and beliefs and core values is a good thing. But it is difficult to do and exhausting.

I don't really have any answers and sometimes I'm not even sure if I know what my questions are. I'm working on it all. This week, it seems to me that most of my questions, concerns, and discoveries all center around what God's grace really is, how big it is, and how much I take it for granted. The cliche statement "But for the grace of God" is used because it is real. God's grace is real. But how big is His grace? How much of life, my experiences, my relationships, my thoughts is covered in grace? Can there be any happiness, any security, any love without it? Would life be worth living without it? Would there even be a life without God's grace? Maybe these are simple "duh"-type questions to ask. I kinda feel like I've been taking some of the simple stuff for granted, and remembering that I need His grace seems just as important as knowing that I have it.

Well, its a start. Voskamp's book really dives into this topic. I often feel like the next chapter, page, line seems to answer the questions that I've been lifting up to God, the questions that I can feel in my soul but can't even find the words to vocalize. I feel like she wrote this book just for me. Yes, God still speaks. And I am learning to listen in ways I never have before.

And this right here? This picture is grace.

Three and a half years ago, God graced us with Jameson. He remains a blessing far greater than I could have ever dreamed and certainly more wonderful than I could ever deserve.

I have a few prayer requests to present to you today.
The first is for an old high school friend. Her daughter has many enduring medical trials and is currently in the hospital undergoing some tests to see what is going on. Please pray for quick healing for sweet, little Elena.

The second one is for a family we met in the PICU. They just found out last week that their newborn cannot be healed. They have been in the PICU for months watching their sweet little boy fight for his life. We know all too well the unbearable devastation and heart break they are living daily. Please lift them up in prayer, that God may bring them comfort and healing as they cherish their remaining time and learn to say goodbye much too soon.

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