Hard Week

Holy Buckets this has been a hard week so far.  I've been so busy with everything and Hubs is working so many hours that I haven't had the time or haven't wanted to use the time to write.  As a result, I'm the bucket of cold water all over facebook.  Ah.

Its hard because Hubs is working.  He's working today, tomorrow, and the 26th, which is probably the worst of it.  And such long hours.  And I know its worse for him, but its hard on all of us too.

Its hard because Little Man and Little Lady are so very excited and I'm try so very hard to keep Christmas as a happy and fun time, but really what I want to do is go on vacation to convent and sit and pray and listen to music and not interact with anyone for the whole week.

Kind of but not really.  That would be hard too.  It's all very complicated, these feelings, and desires, all so contradictory and frustrating.  I wrote on facebook that this week will never be joyful for me ever again.  And that wasn't true and it kept me up all night thinking about it.  Because I have JOY today.  So much Joy.  Because JOY isn't a feeling, JOY is a choice.  And I'm choosing it as much as I can this week.

I'm choosing to see the JOY in the fog rolling in that will make it a white Christmas without snow.  I'm choosing to see it in the magic of the lights and the presents and the untamed happiness of my kids.  I'm choosing to be the JOY in giving gifts and baking bread and staying present.

But underneath all this choosing JOY, there is the veil covering the ever present thought that he is gone.  He is still dead and nothing will ever bring him back.   

And the day after Christmas will mark three years since we held him in our arms and said goodbye while he left this earth for far grander places.  And I'm here to tell you all that it doesn't get easier with time.  That pain and sadness and inability to breathe, they never go away.  That gaping black hole that threatens to swallow me whole is still in the center of me.  The scars holding together my broken heart ache so heavily on this anniversary that it feels fresh and broken all over again.  These things never go away.

The only thing that has changed is that I've- we've- learned some pain management, if you will.  We've learned how to live around this pain.  But it is always there and it is never easy.

And tonight, as we wait up extra late for Daddy to make it home and open presents and eat cookies and have fun and make magic, we will work around this pain and do our best to seek the joy.

It helps knowing how good Jameson has it right now.  I mean, he's at the A-list party right now.  I can only imagine.  It helps knowing that he's with Christ.  He's saved.  He's healed and whole.  And someday we'll all get to be at the party together and have this much fun again.

Blah. I'm all over the place and I haven't had coffee yet and I'm not really saying what I need to say.  So, I'm gonna quit for right now and go have a coffee and count some gifts, something that I haven't written down in a while. 

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, full of JOY, peace and love.  And hopefully some good birthday cake; we're doing carrot.