I woke up at 6 am on a Saturday morning to write. Naturally, Little Lady woke up screaming for mommy at 6:10 and had a 45 minute tantrum about which bed she wanted be sleep in, how I wasn't wiping her nose the right way, how she wants milk but not in a cup. Ah. She finally calmed down as long as I was lying next to her in my bed. I laid there watching a spot of light on the wall fading and getting brighter as the curtains swayed, thinking about my coffee getting colder, the story I wanted to write running away from me once again, and how absolutely impossible it is to accomplish anything with kids.
I get frustrated easily. My Italian blood, maybe. But I was lying in that bed watching the spot of light on the wall and listening to her breathing getting slower, knowing that the good writing wasn't going to happen anymore. Just like folding the laundry doesn't happen because her goal in life is to undo everything I do, it seems. I fold three shirts and five seconds later the pile is hanging from a lamp, now not only unfolded but also covered in dust and/or dog hair. Lovely. Why do I even bother? I wash the floors and I can't even turn around to see how nice they look before I can hear the splash of milk splattering across them. Cleans sheets automatically mean someone will either wet the bed that night or vomit or sneak in a bucket of sand from the sandbox.
And I'm still lying in bed listening to her breathing, and as she's getting calmer, I'm heating up inside thinking about all of the stuff that goes wrong and what's the point in even trying to make anything nice when every effort seems sabotaged every.single.time?
But that spot of light keeps coming and going, and it reminds me of the beach and the waves that come and go and the tide, how it goes out and gives us this great place to be. And we make our castles and digs our holes and leave our footprints in the sand. And then the tide comes back in and tears down the castles and fills in the holes and leaves the beach smooth and seemingly untouched once again. And where the tide doesn't reach, the wind does. And every morning looks different than the night before, after the wind and tide have had their way with the coast. There's always new beauty to behold in the way the wind and waves shape the sand, what they hide and reveal.
And isn't that really the way life is? We build our castles and the world tends to level them. Yet, we also dig ourselves big holes and they get filled in, too. And maybe it's all as beautiful as the sand, this windswept life of mine.
Maybe it really can all be beautiful. The messy stuff. The cold coffee. The crying toddler. The never ending laundry. The tempers that flare so often. The list of messy is long and ugly. But maybe this world pushing against my every move is just my wind and tide. And maybe when all is said and done, maybe after I've been worn in all the right places, maybe what's left can be beautiful, too. Maybe it already is and I'm just not seeing it right. And I once again find myself asking, what is it that I'm seeing? Am I always overlooking the beauty in order to see the mess? It's like adjusting the focus on camera, this joy seeking I try to live. It's all always right there, but what is it that I'm putting the focus on?
The house is quiet now. Now she sleeps. I look out my hand-print covered windows and I see her life all over mine. And I see now that it's not a mess at all. There's a wind-chime ringing somewhere and the breeze is blowing the leaves. The birds are singing good morning and all I can think is that she's just my tide. Leveling me out and making my world more beautiful than I could ever do on my own.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Wonderment
"If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life." -Rachel Carson
Little Lady loves to read. She brings me books all day long and we sit on the carpet and snuggle in and read. She picks funny books sometimes. Last week she brought me a library book on how to play chess and made me read eight pages before she lost interest. If she sets up the board correctly, it may not be an accident. Today she brought me a winter book that I usually keep boxed up with the Christmas decorations, filled with microscopic images of snowflakes and satisfying quotations from famous writers. I really love the quotation written above and looked up Ms. Carson to "meet" her. What an inspirational woman! I think you should "meet" her too, but that's not what this is about.
I've spent a better part of the morning thinking about this sense of wonder she longs for in her adult life. This gift of SEEING the world that she wishes every person on this earth could hold on to. How is it that wonder is something we lose, something we miss and cannot seem to grasp even though we all desire it? I think of Thoreau's musing that "the question is not what you look at, but what you see." We look at so much. We go so fast. We never stop with the media, the noise, the stuff. We are so busy that we never have the time to actually see, because in order to see we have to stop running from one thing to the next, slow down and actually allow something to sink in.
I worry, in this age of technology and information overload, how to protect my kids for losing their wonderment. I think, like most important life skills, I have to be the model. So how do I hold onto my own sense of wonder? When there are so many urgent tasks screaming at me day in day out, so many mindless forms of entertainment seducing me to check my news feed, stay glued to this screen until its time to turn on the next screen, so many chores and planned activities and assignments labeled important that are really nothing more than busywork. Is there anyone out there who isn't busy all of the time?
But what really matters? And how do you stand your ground when the whole world is swelling up around you, demanding your time, your brain and your life, really. And this isn't all about technology sucking us dry. I don't want to say that checking facebook is evil. Or that television will ruin my kids' lives. Keeping time suckers in check can be hard if I don't watch myself. But really, that's only part of it, isn't it? You can go a whole day without turning on a single screen and still not be filled with a sense of wonder. Because "the question is not what you look at, but what you see"(Thoreau).
What is it that I see? Do I see that happiness on her face when she's bringing me a sand pie or do I see the mess I'm gonna have to clean up later? Do I see the excitement in his eyes when he shows me his newest lego creation or am I too busy cooking dinner to even bother looking? When we go for family walks, how often do I let them go at their pace, discovering, seeking, SEEING instead of hurrying them along? Here I am, desiring to protect this sense of wonderment and yet I'm probably killing it off myself.
What is it that I see?
My view is changing. The more I count gifts, the more I see them and now I want to slow down, take the long path, stop and smell the roses. To see the smiles, cherish the laughter, notice the worms and flowers, smell the blossoms, and taste the sweet fruits of the world.
Little Lady loves to read. She brings me books all day long and we sit on the carpet and snuggle in and read. She picks funny books sometimes. Last week she brought me a library book on how to play chess and made me read eight pages before she lost interest. If she sets up the board correctly, it may not be an accident. Today she brought me a winter book that I usually keep boxed up with the Christmas decorations, filled with microscopic images of snowflakes and satisfying quotations from famous writers. I really love the quotation written above and looked up Ms. Carson to "meet" her. What an inspirational woman! I think you should "meet" her too, but that's not what this is about.
I've spent a better part of the morning thinking about this sense of wonder she longs for in her adult life. This gift of SEEING the world that she wishes every person on this earth could hold on to. How is it that wonder is something we lose, something we miss and cannot seem to grasp even though we all desire it? I think of Thoreau's musing that "the question is not what you look at, but what you see." We look at so much. We go so fast. We never stop with the media, the noise, the stuff. We are so busy that we never have the time to actually see, because in order to see we have to stop running from one thing to the next, slow down and actually allow something to sink in.
I worry, in this age of technology and information overload, how to protect my kids for losing their wonderment. I think, like most important life skills, I have to be the model. So how do I hold onto my own sense of wonder? When there are so many urgent tasks screaming at me day in day out, so many mindless forms of entertainment seducing me to check my news feed, stay glued to this screen until its time to turn on the next screen, so many chores and planned activities and assignments labeled important that are really nothing more than busywork. Is there anyone out there who isn't busy all of the time?
But what really matters? And how do you stand your ground when the whole world is swelling up around you, demanding your time, your brain and your life, really. And this isn't all about technology sucking us dry. I don't want to say that checking facebook is evil. Or that television will ruin my kids' lives. Keeping time suckers in check can be hard if I don't watch myself. But really, that's only part of it, isn't it? You can go a whole day without turning on a single screen and still not be filled with a sense of wonder. Because "the question is not what you look at, but what you see"(Thoreau).
What is it that I see? Do I see that happiness on her face when she's bringing me a sand pie or do I see the mess I'm gonna have to clean up later? Do I see the excitement in his eyes when he shows me his newest lego creation or am I too busy cooking dinner to even bother looking? When we go for family walks, how often do I let them go at their pace, discovering, seeking, SEEING instead of hurrying them along? Here I am, desiring to protect this sense of wonderment and yet I'm probably killing it off myself.
What is it that I see?
My view is changing. The more I count gifts, the more I see them and now I want to slow down, take the long path, stop and smell the roses. To see the smiles, cherish the laughter, notice the worms and flowers, smell the blossoms, and taste the sweet fruits of the world.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
777
I know it has been a long time since I've been on here. I long for slower days when I have more time to write. Although, I think I'd be better off working on my time management skills than waiting for things to slow down...that's not going to happen for decades! We've been busy with baseball and planting gardens, and going to Mexico for fairy tale weddings, and celebrating my first baby getting another year bigger. He was 8 pounds one blink ago, and now he's this man-child and I'm still not quite sure how that happened? And through all the days, the good ones and especially the bad ones, through all the low points in the days when I'd rather run away and all the high points that I want to stop time and live inside forever, I'm still giving thanks. I don't write them all down, but I'm up to 777 on the list.
Seek JOY and you shall find the whole world becomes a new and beautiful place.
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation.
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11. Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion by
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16. A Good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water. Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22. Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby.
23. Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work.
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My moms meatloaf in the oven
32. Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33. Painting with toddlers.
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee. How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road.
41. Baby squirrels chhasing each other in the trees.
42. Acorns
43. Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44. Coffee. Did I already say that?
45. Being married to my best friend
46. Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47. Garden snakes. Yes I did just say that.
48. Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49. IPod music
50. When the word neighbors really means friends
51. The enchilada sauce that breaks in the new kitchen. Yes the paint really is scrubbable.
52. Thunder and that rain smell that gets into your brain and makes you feel like a kid with a sidewalk full of puddles and no one around to say don't.
53. Buddies for my kids
54. A job interview that feels more like coffee with an old Friend
55. Football season
56. Pumpkin anything and everything.
57. When she made a sound effects while playing with planes and trucks.
58. Footie jammies
59. Beach days
60. Pints on the deck
61. Flying kites
62. The way birds sail in the breeze
63. Pizza by the slice
64. Salty ocean air
65. Low heavy clouds and blue skies all at once.
66. Waves crashing on the sandy shore.
67. The perfect mix of sun heat and breeze
68. Sea gull cries.
69. Driftwood
70. Watching kids chasing birds on the sand
71. Sand and barefeet
72. My sons clothing choices...camp fleece pants with a muscle shirt and Mardi gras beads...at a restaurant. Love.
73. Bedtime.
74. Hot showers
75. The newspaper.
76. Chasing wves in the ocean
77. Being big spoon at bedtime
78. My washing machine
79. My dishwasher
80. Hand me down clothes and toys
81. Sticky notes
82. Watching promises unfold in His time
83. Wind chimes
84. Hearing my kids singing
85. Unintentional funnies from kids
86. Hearing the birds sing while lying in bed early
87. Mops
88. the snooze button
89. Living in a tight knit community and not being an outsider
90. Watching diggers
91. Music.
92. Clear starry night.
93. Bread rising on the stove.
94. Pizza night with family
95. Laughter of my kids playing together.
96. Comfy bed.
97. Spider webs catching all the fruit flies
98. Golden leaved falling from the trees
99. Cooking for my family
100. promise of eternity
101. Cloudy days
102. Sword ferns
103. Tree swings
104. Baby grass
105. Hope
106. Fragrant wet cedar
107. Living in America
108. Pacific time zone so I can actually stay awake to finish a game.
109. Birthday cake
110. Late night laughter with hubs
111. New babies
112. Impromptu dinner invites
113. C S Lewis.
114. Encouraging texts and emails from friends.
115. Tree climbing
116. Chaotic playgrounds
117. Slides and static electricity.
118. Clouds heavy with rain rolling in
119. Kids playing tag
120. Fiery maple leaves
121. Late start days
122. Doggies running in their sleep
123. Marshmallows
124. Pictures on my kids
125. Neighbors
126. A good cold beer after a long day
127. Answer of small prayers and seeing the gifts they are.
128. Being able to connect with family and friends so easily with technology
129. Hot showers
130. Exciting opportunities
131. Having options
132. Realizing that almost every problem in my life is a mere first world annoyance and what a blessing that is even when it sucks
133. Owls on a hike
134. Out of town guests
135. Vacation days
136. Seeing the wonder of everything from a childs eyes
137. Silver flashes of birch in the wind
138. Cool fall mornings
139. Restaurants with play areas
140. Sleeping baby eye lashes.
141. Tutus
142. Mountain vistas
143. Tide pools
144. Slugs all over on a hike
145. Getting to share favorite places with favorite people.
146. Sisters
147. Elk poop
148. Rainy beach days
149. Fig and goat cheese crepes
150. Nutella
151. Bread bowl clam chowder
152. Fancy coffee presents
153. Backing up my hard drive a week before the computer crashes
154. Working and clean smelling furnace
155. The ocean.
156. Laughter.
157. Yellow galoshes
158. Watching kids splash in puddles
159. Steamy grass after a rain shower
160. Getting to Starbucks a few minutes early.
161. Getting to go to Starbucks at all.
162. Whipped cream. Seriously.
163. Pumpkin spice latte..how is this my first time!?
164. Remembering Gods faithfulness and seeing it even in the hard times.
165. Not having to wait at an awesome restaurant
166. Dust motes in a stream of sun
167. Crisp cool fall air
168. Baby snores
169. Still getting big hugs and kisses at school drop off
170. Craig's list
171. Crisp sweet apples
172. Having a handy hubs
173. Napping in the sun on a cool day.
174. Getting to stay home with my lady
175. Wool socks
176. Playing I spy with wood floor grains
177. Pink dress up hats
178. Snails
179. The national anthem
180. My boy. Always.
181. Rocket inventions.
182. daddy daughter snuggles
183. Singing babies
184. Hallway bowling
185. Composting
186. Staying dry on super rainy weekends
187. Finding the perfect job.
188. Toothpaste
189. Soup in the pot
190. Finding an old friend close by! 191. Sunflowers
192. Blue skies and sun after rainy days
193. Finishing projects
194. Toddlers jumping
195. Piano lessons
196. Discovering a new good book
197. Apples and cinnamon baking
198. Rosy cheeks
199. Jammies with feet
200. Modern medicine
201. Movie days
202. Coffee with whipped cream just because
203. Exploring with kids
204. An extra bedtime kiss
205. Down comforters
206. An organized closet
207 foggy mornings
208. Dad visiting
209. J mping for joy
210. Slides
211. Bright colors
212 funky art
213. Roadside assistance
214. Sunset on the river
215. YouTube shark videos
216. Tubby time
217. Starting a new job.
218. Pumpkins with warts
219. Caramel apples
220. Nuks
221. Misty afternoons at the playground
222. Doggy diapers. Sigh.
223. Flower girl dresses
224. Sibling rivalry. I love that they bicker already. It is so cute.
225. Toddlers saying hi.
226. Skyping with grandma
227. Pumpkin cake
228. Nutella cake.
229. Refrigeration
230. The crunch and smell of leaves
231. Salmon
232. Waterfalls
233. Caves
234. Provision in creative ways
235. Seeing just how much I have
236. Bedtime prayers with my boy
237. Early morning snuggles with my lady
238. The way she says "mama"
239. Drop in visits from friends
240. Raking leaves and jumping in them
241. Saying sorry and being forgiven
242. Doggy snoring.
243. My mom
244. Learning new things
245. Having a real community
246. Dinner with an old friend
247. People who talk about my Jameson
248. Being married. And in love. To the same person.
249. Having kids.
250. Not having anymore kids.
251. Fall leaves
252. My kids playing with daddy
253. Days off
254. Open communication
255. Early bedtimes for everyone
256. Family walks
257. Fruit trees
258. Early morning snuggles
259. Pastry mornings with hubs
260. Blue skies and golden trees
261. Benadryl
262. Purring doggies
263. Full moon
264. Coyote howls late
265. Coffee
266. Epi pens
267. Babies running down a grassy slope
268. Being wrong about something that turns in your favor
269. Health
270. Pine needles falling like rain
271. Cupcake parties
272. Static hair on the slide
273. Kicking through leaves
274. Blustery fall days
275. The way feathers fly when vacummed
276. Washable crayons
277. Toddler friends
278. Seeing him all proud after making the basket.
279. Suction cup balls thrown in the window
280. Pizza delivery
281. A new window in the smile
282. Coyotes howling goodnight
283. Walking to almost everywhere
284. Storytime at the library
285. Husband home
286. Coffee
287. A friend who asks just the right questions at the right time
288. Seeing my boy find something he loves to do
289. A warm house
290. Wool socks
291. Extra blessings
292. Parent help guides
293. My bed
294. Time alone with my lady
295. Relaxing with the FAM
296. Husband with amazing work ethic
297. Lasagne in the oven
298. Fresh baked bread
299. The smell of pine overtaking a simple walk to the mail box
300. Rainy days
301. My job
302. Good friends who challenge me
303. Getting to have a 730 bedtime once in a while
304. Laughing
305. Knowing that when I can never ever just relax at a playground or basketball practice its because my daughter is healthy and strong and fierce
306. Knowing we have enough money to pay for Christmas gifts
307. Knowing that we are happy enough without them
308. Story time at the library
309. Getting to have friends over to play all the time
310. Walking to school
311. Kicking leaves
312. Coffee
313. Finished floors
314. Out of town guests
315. Red wine
316. Mexican vanilla gifts
317. Where's waldo hats on babies
318. Planning thanksgiving dinner
319. Daddy's day off pastries for breakfast.
320. Rain coats
321. Coupons
322. Pacifiers
323. Thoughtful notes from a friend
324. Rain on the roof
325. Dinner as a family
326. Mail from grandma
327. Being madly in love with hubs
328. Heaven dreams
329. Chalk and toddlers
330. Feeling pursued
331. Early morning snuggles with both kids
332. Photographs
333. Heavy fog hanging in the trees
334. clorox wipes
335. Coupons
336. Having a house full of kids all the time
337. The power of kissing an owie.
338. Team sports
339. my furnace
340. When the rain tales a break just long enough for the walk to school.
341.Rainbows
342. Sports for my boy
343. Foggy mornings
344. Dry afternoons for the playground
345. Second chances
346. Mops
347. Working furnace
348. Having a net
349. Feeling light
350. Holiday menus
351. Coffee
352. Klove radio
353. Fall trees almost bare
354. Birds
355. Pumpkins
356. The way she loves her daddy
357. A new cookbook
358. A new kitchen
359. Catching a leak right away.
360. Hand sanitizer
361. Strangers who take the time to talk to my kids
362. A good book
363. Old friends visiting
364. DVDs for kids for that breakdown moment
365. Standing on a heating vent
366. Tweezers
367. Fleece pants
368. Living in a town where fleece pants are normal public attire
369. Being okay with not being stylish knowing that saving is more important than having skinny jeans
370. Hand me down clothes for me and the kids
371. When hubs can wear scrubs instead of dress clothes to work.
372. ChapStick
373. Doggie diapers
374. Hubs hot legs. Back off ladies, he's mine!
375. Getting to snuggle after naps.
376. Sunny afternoons.
377. Running g after babies in the grass
378. Impromptu football.
379. Being part of a net.
380. Her lady curves
381. Friendships for my kids
382. Indoor play parks.
383. Interesting books
384. Stickers. And how they gave me 20 whole minutes to sit down.
385. Tater tots
386. Knowing that someday she'll outgrow the tantrums
387. Sleep
388. Coffee for when there isnt enough sleep
389. Cubism art
390. All kinds of art
391. Getting to hear other peoples stories
392. Not making life a contest
393. Baking cake
394. Big hugs
395. How hard kids heads are
396. Blakeys and special specials
397. Hot showers
398. Belly buttons
399. One on one time with my kids
400. Reading to my big boy
401. Getting to praise my kids and see them beam
402. The sun setting on a long day.
403. Evening sports to help us not miss dad so much
404. Girls night in
405. Dinner with friends
406. Farmers market
407. Having daddy to tagteam st sports
408. Canopies of miss covered trees
409 ferns on a hillside
410 weekend off.
411. Rainy days and long naps
412. Time to read a good book
413. A great school office assistant
414. Afternoon snuggles with my lady
415. The incredible amount of entertainment a few clean baby wipes can provide
416 WASHABLE markers
417. Community safety
418. Take out pizza
419 being able to laugh off a bad haircut
420. Wool socks
421. Singing babies
422. Logic
423. Hindsight
424. Chocolate
425. Coffee
426. Galoshes
427. Arts and crafts
428. Frosty mornings
429. He loves me.
430. Salvation
431, the complexity of creation
432. Doggies snoring all night
433. Lone leaf clinging to a winter tree.
434. Blustery days.
435. Winnie the pooh for making the word blustery so awesome.
436. Science.
437. Do overs
438. A cozy bed at the end of a long week
439. Food.
440. Sesame street on YouTube
441. Babies sleeping right in front if the door.
442. Hard heads and resilient brains
443. Thin ice that crackles underfoot
444. Her mullet
445. Neighbors
446. Romance
447. The way he still gives me butterflies just thinking about him
448. Early days off
449. Week of school vacation
450. School being back in session
451. Day with just my girl
452. Having enough to buy all the groceries
453. Friend visiting
454. Planning a date night.
455. Flowers
456. Cooking an awesome meal
457. Sharing it with my favorite people
458. Coffee break
459. Grade school sports
460. Creme brulé
461. Granola bars
462. Low clouds
463. Tall pines trees at the bottom of the hill
464. Bird berries on the back trees
465. Birds out the back window singing while snacking
466. Gum
467. Starry nights
468. Christmas lights
469. Christmas music
470. Daddy being home early
471. Home improvement happening.
472. Snow flakes
473. Eggnog
474. Fragrant pine trees
475. Naptime.
476. Having a great job
478. Bonus time with my boy
479. Snow days
480 snuggling under warm covers on chilly mornings
481. Flannel sheets
482 snuggly blankets
483. Cheese
484. Kids sleeping in
485. Christmas lights
486. Choirs singing
487. Goats
488. Hot chocolate
489. Rising bread
490. Honesty
491. Birds st the feeder
492. Intuition.
493. Finding a deal that seems made just for me
495. Family dinners
496. Birthday cake miracles
497. Invitations
498. Thoughtful neighbors
499. Adults who talk to my kids
500. White fog heavy on the trees
501. The smell of freshly cut junipers.
502. Rhododendrons
503. Christmas
504. A new favorite song
505. The smell of mud
506. Cookies.
507. Bathing suit season being far away from cookie season
508. Husband
509. Lemon curd
510 chocolate
511. The way she giggles.
512. The way she says mama
513. Listening to him tell good stories.
514. How smart and sure he is becoming.
515. When she dances in the back during church
516. Trees
517. Holding hands in the woods
518. New traditions
519. Skype
520. Medical tests that give answers
521. Hope.
522. Grace
523. Your unwavering love.
524. New mercies each day
525. Notes from friends
526. My mom
527. The moss covered trees
528. Foggy mornings
529. Watching a friends family grow
530. Getting to give back.
531. My furnace
532. The way kids always forgive
533. Getting to put my lady to bed
534. My boys love for Christ
535. Ponytails and yoga pants
536. Coffee
537. When he works hard and it pays off
538. Love from everyone around me.
539. Soup
540. Car carts at the grocery
541. Baby squirrel at the feeder
542. Friends who offer ingredients
543. Toddler giggles
544. Spell check.
545 Greek yogurt with 8billion calories per bite
546. Tucking my girl in at night
547. My dishwasher
548. Spiderman band aids
549. Ferns growing right out of trees
550. Birthday flowers delivered from bright eyed girls
551. Stroller rides
552. When daddy's s hedule gETs waaaayyy better
553. Watching my boy flourish
554. Coffee
555. Listening to her try out new words
556. The way no one else will do and that I get to be her mama
557. Signing times dvds
558. Family date nights
559. Working car.
560. When she sings with her little wookie voice
561. My bed
562. Pacifiers
563. Hot showers
564. Doggie heavy breathing.
565. Snooze button.
566. Rain softly falling outside
567. Good rain jacket
568. Hawks impressing females in flight
569. Her napping in my arms.
570. Those eyelashes and that perfect little everything.
571. The way she runs away after a tubby with her naked heiny on the loose giggly as I chase her.
572. Another lost tooth and the cutest window I've ever seen in a smile
573. When the sun peeks out right when I start to shiver
574. Her feisty spirit
575. The way he reads aloud.
576. Hubs jokes. I love his jokes.
577. A safe and working car.
578. Being on the west coast
579. A green winter
580. Moss growing right on the road
581. Doggies running in their sleep
582. Watching her dream
583. Muffins
584. Morning coffee with my man
585. Toothpaste
586. Looking out on the big ocean and feeling so small.
587. Sunsets over the ocean
588. Family beach day
589. Basement play rooms
590. Laughing together.
591. My helpful boy
592. A new gallon of paint
593. Popsicle sticks
594. Moss covered green roads
595. Rainy days
596. Long walks with a quiet crew in the stroller
597. Card board boxes and kids imaginations
598. Baby laughs and cackles
599. Sleeping through the night
600. Family weekends
601. Snowflakes gently falling and them MELTING.
602. Sisters
603. Birds at the feeders
604. Weekend hikes through tall trees
605. Glue and plastic eyeballs
606. Washable markers
607. Coffee at naptime on s cold day
608. The way He takes care of the smallest details
609. A boy who loves to learn about God
610. New babies growing.
611. NOT being the pregnant lady
612. Dreams for our wild life
613. Lemon curd
614. Being able to give gifts
615. My dreamy husband
616. 3 months of scrubs rotations...meaning no ironing dress clothes.
617. I need to say this one again...no ironing for three months.
618. Fleece jackets with thumbholes
619. Remembrance candles
620. A great book by Angie Smith
621. When someone gets it all.
622. Being alone.
623. A full tank of gas and a full trunk of groceries.
624. Windy nights
625. Husband sleeping next to me
626. Muffins in the oven
627. Exciting weather that maybe cancels school.
628. Long talks with my boy
629. Reading with my boy
630. Her middle of the night we up calls
631. Snow days for the whole family.
632. Snow ball fights
633. Birthdays
634. Rainys days that take away the snow
635. Steam rising on the road
636. Electric green moss on everything.
637. The way she has to dance every time wagon wheel plays.
638. Make believe play
639. Harry Potter
640. Getying to stay home with my lady.
641. Puddle jumping
642. Hummingbirds
643. Jay birds
644. Orange pants
645. Family
646. Hummingbirds at the feeder
647. Warm rain
648. When she eats
649. The way he loves me
650. Soccer balls and green grass
651. The way the world wakes up in spring
652. Buds unfurling
653. A pot of tea and a food friend to share it with
654. The way she counts
655. Finished floors
656. Living room dance parties and her moves.
657. How he still loves me madly after all these years
658. Toddler hugs
659. Frost kissed spring blooms
660. Family reading time on the couch.
661. Weight gain
662. Burpee seed catalog
663. Robins on the deck rail
664. Fragrant plum blossoms
665. Dog snores
666. Family walks on a warm evening
667. A pot of soup
668. When she hides behind the curtains and says boo
669. An afternoon nap
670. Finding my voice through writing
671. Pictures of my boy.
672. A sequined tank top
673. Sisters
674. Flowers blooming
675. Obeying His prompts and seeing the fruit
676. Steam rising from the roof
677. Sun after the rain
678. Coyotes howling in the middle of the night
679. Special family breakfasts
680. Coffee
681. Seeing kindness happen
682. Spring blossoms.
683. Seeing ordinary things as spectacular
684. Electrics moss
685. Jay birds
686. Hummingbirds glowing iridescent in the sun
687. Fragrant blooms
688. Gnarly trees
689. Family date nights
690. A pot of tea and a sunny window
691. His faithfulness
692. Bug hunts
693. How He loves me regardless
694. Subshine
695. Muddy hikes
696. Petals floating to the ground
697. Husband's jokes
698. Coffee
699. That the furnace still works
700. Disney movies at dinner time
701. Wildflowers
702. New babies
703. Spicy curry
704. Writing through it
705. Girlfriends
706. Personal trainer sister
707. Church
708. Grace. Always
709. Being chased. Radaph
710. Clicky pens from special places
711. The sky abs all the colors it offers
712. Walking to church
713. Wind blowing white petals over the path
714. Freshly cut grass
715. When he comes home early, an unexpected free day
716. A good hike
717. The way birds dance through the air
718. Listening to her sing "do you want to build a snowman"
719. Grilled pineapple salsa
720. Perspective on the little problems
721. A new hair cut
722. Netting friends for lunch
723. The crack if a bat connecting with the ball
724. When my little big man brings up big God questions and the light bulbs go off.
725. Watching my man and knowing I'm the one that got this lucky
726. Fragrance of magnolia blooms
727. Quiet night time laughter
728. Coffee and donuts with friends after church.
729. A new playground to explore
730. The way she has no fear but still makes good choices
731. Wet footprints on the clean floor
732. Worm hunting g
733. Finishing projects
734. Wearing spandex
735. Pink crocs
736. Bubbles and chalk
737. Popsicles on hot days
738. Friends
739. Texting
740. Sunshine and a free hour
741. Impending vacation
742. Birds pulling up worms
743. Doggie snuggles
744. Hummingbirds buzzing at the feeder.
745. Beach vacations
746. Weddings and family time
747. Cousining
748. Sale Pending
749. Home.
750. Gardening
751. Thunder
752. Baby snakes and salamanders
753. Tylenol and pacifiers
754. Brunch with neighbors
755. Finally having an emergency contact in town
756. Birthday cake
757. Jay birds flying in my path
758. Frozen. Let it go...
759. Cooking in my kitchen
760. She is starting to eat. Amen.
761. Sunny days with fluffy clouds
762. Finding random dino "gifts" and knowing they are from J.
763. Blueberry bushes
764. Coffee
765. The way I can always make it all better for her.
766. Family hiking dates
767. Elmer's glue in the hands of a two year old.
768. Bedtime
769. Three day weekends
770. Cottonwood trees on s breezy day
771. Family dinner on the deck
772. Lawn games
773. New gates in the fence
774. Having a bathroom mirror.
775. Bleeding hearts and sword ferns
776. Fresh strawberries
777. A great cookbook
Seek JOY and you shall find the whole world becomes a new and beautiful place.
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation.
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11. Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion by
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16. A Good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water. Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22. Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby.
23. Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work.
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My moms meatloaf in the oven
32. Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33. Painting with toddlers.
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee. How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road.
41. Baby squirrels chhasing each other in the trees.
42. Acorns
43. Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44. Coffee. Did I already say that?
45. Being married to my best friend
46. Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47. Garden snakes. Yes I did just say that.
48. Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49. IPod music
50. When the word neighbors really means friends
51. The enchilada sauce that breaks in the new kitchen. Yes the paint really is scrubbable.
52. Thunder and that rain smell that gets into your brain and makes you feel like a kid with a sidewalk full of puddles and no one around to say don't.
53. Buddies for my kids
54. A job interview that feels more like coffee with an old Friend
55. Football season
56. Pumpkin anything and everything.
57. When she made a sound effects while playing with planes and trucks.
58. Footie jammies
59. Beach days
60. Pints on the deck
61. Flying kites
62. The way birds sail in the breeze
63. Pizza by the slice
64. Salty ocean air
65. Low heavy clouds and blue skies all at once.
66. Waves crashing on the sandy shore.
67. The perfect mix of sun heat and breeze
68. Sea gull cries.
69. Driftwood
70. Watching kids chasing birds on the sand
71. Sand and barefeet
72. My sons clothing choices...camp fleece pants with a muscle shirt and Mardi gras beads...at a restaurant. Love.
73. Bedtime.
74. Hot showers
75. The newspaper.
76. Chasing wves in the ocean
77. Being big spoon at bedtime
78. My washing machine
79. My dishwasher
80. Hand me down clothes and toys
81. Sticky notes
82. Watching promises unfold in His time
83. Wind chimes
84. Hearing my kids singing
85. Unintentional funnies from kids
86. Hearing the birds sing while lying in bed early
87. Mops
88. the snooze button
89. Living in a tight knit community and not being an outsider
90. Watching diggers
91. Music.
92. Clear starry night.
93. Bread rising on the stove.
94. Pizza night with family
95. Laughter of my kids playing together.
96. Comfy bed.
97. Spider webs catching all the fruit flies
98. Golden leaved falling from the trees
99. Cooking for my family
100. promise of eternity
101. Cloudy days
102. Sword ferns
103. Tree swings
104. Baby grass
105. Hope
106. Fragrant wet cedar
107. Living in America
108. Pacific time zone so I can actually stay awake to finish a game.
109. Birthday cake
110. Late night laughter with hubs
111. New babies
112. Impromptu dinner invites
113. C S Lewis.
114. Encouraging texts and emails from friends.
115. Tree climbing
116. Chaotic playgrounds
117. Slides and static electricity.
118. Clouds heavy with rain rolling in
119. Kids playing tag
120. Fiery maple leaves
121. Late start days
122. Doggies running in their sleep
123. Marshmallows
124. Pictures on my kids
125. Neighbors
126. A good cold beer after a long day
127. Answer of small prayers and seeing the gifts they are.
128. Being able to connect with family and friends so easily with technology
129. Hot showers
130. Exciting opportunities
131. Having options
132. Realizing that almost every problem in my life is a mere first world annoyance and what a blessing that is even when it sucks
133. Owls on a hike
134. Out of town guests
135. Vacation days
136. Seeing the wonder of everything from a childs eyes
137. Silver flashes of birch in the wind
138. Cool fall mornings
139. Restaurants with play areas
140. Sleeping baby eye lashes.
141. Tutus
142. Mountain vistas
143. Tide pools
144. Slugs all over on a hike
145. Getting to share favorite places with favorite people.
146. Sisters
147. Elk poop
148. Rainy beach days
149. Fig and goat cheese crepes
150. Nutella
151. Bread bowl clam chowder
152. Fancy coffee presents
153. Backing up my hard drive a week before the computer crashes
154. Working and clean smelling furnace
155. The ocean.
156. Laughter.
157. Yellow galoshes
158. Watching kids splash in puddles
159. Steamy grass after a rain shower
160. Getting to Starbucks a few minutes early.
161. Getting to go to Starbucks at all.
162. Whipped cream. Seriously.
163. Pumpkin spice latte..how is this my first time!?
164. Remembering Gods faithfulness and seeing it even in the hard times.
165. Not having to wait at an awesome restaurant
166. Dust motes in a stream of sun
167. Crisp cool fall air
168. Baby snores
169. Still getting big hugs and kisses at school drop off
170. Craig's list
171. Crisp sweet apples
172. Having a handy hubs
173. Napping in the sun on a cool day.
174. Getting to stay home with my lady
175. Wool socks
176. Playing I spy with wood floor grains
177. Pink dress up hats
178. Snails
179. The national anthem
180. My boy. Always.
181. Rocket inventions.
182. daddy daughter snuggles
183. Singing babies
184. Hallway bowling
185. Composting
186. Staying dry on super rainy weekends
187. Finding the perfect job.
188. Toothpaste
189. Soup in the pot
190. Finding an old friend close by! 191. Sunflowers
192. Blue skies and sun after rainy days
193. Finishing projects
194. Toddlers jumping
195. Piano lessons
196. Discovering a new good book
197. Apples and cinnamon baking
198. Rosy cheeks
199. Jammies with feet
200. Modern medicine
201. Movie days
202. Coffee with whipped cream just because
203. Exploring with kids
204. An extra bedtime kiss
205. Down comforters
206. An organized closet
207 foggy mornings
208. Dad visiting
209. J mping for joy
210. Slides
211. Bright colors
212 funky art
213. Roadside assistance
214. Sunset on the river
215. YouTube shark videos
216. Tubby time
217. Starting a new job.
218. Pumpkins with warts
219. Caramel apples
220. Nuks
221. Misty afternoons at the playground
222. Doggy diapers. Sigh.
223. Flower girl dresses
224. Sibling rivalry. I love that they bicker already. It is so cute.
225. Toddlers saying hi.
226. Skyping with grandma
227. Pumpkin cake
228. Nutella cake.
229. Refrigeration
230. The crunch and smell of leaves
231. Salmon
232. Waterfalls
233. Caves
234. Provision in creative ways
235. Seeing just how much I have
236. Bedtime prayers with my boy
237. Early morning snuggles with my lady
238. The way she says "mama"
239. Drop in visits from friends
240. Raking leaves and jumping in them
241. Saying sorry and being forgiven
242. Doggy snoring.
243. My mom
244. Learning new things
245. Having a real community
246. Dinner with an old friend
247. People who talk about my Jameson
248. Being married. And in love. To the same person.
249. Having kids.
250. Not having anymore kids.
251. Fall leaves
252. My kids playing with daddy
253. Days off
254. Open communication
255. Early bedtimes for everyone
256. Family walks
257. Fruit trees
258. Early morning snuggles
259. Pastry mornings with hubs
260. Blue skies and golden trees
261. Benadryl
262. Purring doggies
263. Full moon
264. Coyote howls late
265. Coffee
266. Epi pens
267. Babies running down a grassy slope
268. Being wrong about something that turns in your favor
269. Health
270. Pine needles falling like rain
271. Cupcake parties
272. Static hair on the slide
273. Kicking through leaves
274. Blustery fall days
275. The way feathers fly when vacummed
276. Washable crayons
277. Toddler friends
278. Seeing him all proud after making the basket.
279. Suction cup balls thrown in the window
280. Pizza delivery
281. A new window in the smile
282. Coyotes howling goodnight
283. Walking to almost everywhere
284. Storytime at the library
285. Husband home
286. Coffee
287. A friend who asks just the right questions at the right time
288. Seeing my boy find something he loves to do
289. A warm house
290. Wool socks
291. Extra blessings
292. Parent help guides
293. My bed
294. Time alone with my lady
295. Relaxing with the FAM
296. Husband with amazing work ethic
297. Lasagne in the oven
298. Fresh baked bread
299. The smell of pine overtaking a simple walk to the mail box
300. Rainy days
301. My job
302. Good friends who challenge me
303. Getting to have a 730 bedtime once in a while
304. Laughing
305. Knowing that when I can never ever just relax at a playground or basketball practice its because my daughter is healthy and strong and fierce
306. Knowing we have enough money to pay for Christmas gifts
307. Knowing that we are happy enough without them
308. Story time at the library
309. Getting to have friends over to play all the time
310. Walking to school
311. Kicking leaves
312. Coffee
313. Finished floors
314. Out of town guests
315. Red wine
316. Mexican vanilla gifts
317. Where's waldo hats on babies
318. Planning thanksgiving dinner
319. Daddy's day off pastries for breakfast.
320. Rain coats
321. Coupons
322. Pacifiers
323. Thoughtful notes from a friend
324. Rain on the roof
325. Dinner as a family
326. Mail from grandma
327. Being madly in love with hubs
328. Heaven dreams
329. Chalk and toddlers
330. Feeling pursued
331. Early morning snuggles with both kids
332. Photographs
333. Heavy fog hanging in the trees
334. clorox wipes
335. Coupons
336. Having a house full of kids all the time
337. The power of kissing an owie.
338. Team sports
339. my furnace
340. When the rain tales a break just long enough for the walk to school.
341.Rainbows
342. Sports for my boy
343. Foggy mornings
344. Dry afternoons for the playground
345. Second chances
346. Mops
347. Working furnace
348. Having a net
349. Feeling light
350. Holiday menus
351. Coffee
352. Klove radio
353. Fall trees almost bare
354. Birds
355. Pumpkins
356. The way she loves her daddy
357. A new cookbook
358. A new kitchen
359. Catching a leak right away.
360. Hand sanitizer
361. Strangers who take the time to talk to my kids
362. A good book
363. Old friends visiting
364. DVDs for kids for that breakdown moment
365. Standing on a heating vent
366. Tweezers
367. Fleece pants
368. Living in a town where fleece pants are normal public attire
369. Being okay with not being stylish knowing that saving is more important than having skinny jeans
370. Hand me down clothes for me and the kids
371. When hubs can wear scrubs instead of dress clothes to work.
372. ChapStick
373. Doggie diapers
374. Hubs hot legs. Back off ladies, he's mine!
375. Getting to snuggle after naps.
376. Sunny afternoons.
377. Running g after babies in the grass
378. Impromptu football.
379. Being part of a net.
380. Her lady curves
381. Friendships for my kids
382. Indoor play parks.
383. Interesting books
384. Stickers. And how they gave me 20 whole minutes to sit down.
385. Tater tots
386. Knowing that someday she'll outgrow the tantrums
387. Sleep
388. Coffee for when there isnt enough sleep
389. Cubism art
390. All kinds of art
391. Getting to hear other peoples stories
392. Not making life a contest
393. Baking cake
394. Big hugs
395. How hard kids heads are
396. Blakeys and special specials
397. Hot showers
398. Belly buttons
399. One on one time with my kids
400. Reading to my big boy
401. Getting to praise my kids and see them beam
402. The sun setting on a long day.
403. Evening sports to help us not miss dad so much
404. Girls night in
405. Dinner with friends
406. Farmers market
407. Having daddy to tagteam st sports
408. Canopies of miss covered trees
409 ferns on a hillside
410 weekend off.
411. Rainy days and long naps
412. Time to read a good book
413. A great school office assistant
414. Afternoon snuggles with my lady
415. The incredible amount of entertainment a few clean baby wipes can provide
416 WASHABLE markers
417. Community safety
418. Take out pizza
419 being able to laugh off a bad haircut
420. Wool socks
421. Singing babies
422. Logic
423. Hindsight
424. Chocolate
425. Coffee
426. Galoshes
427. Arts and crafts
428. Frosty mornings
429. He loves me.
430. Salvation
431, the complexity of creation
432. Doggies snoring all night
433. Lone leaf clinging to a winter tree.
434. Blustery days.
435. Winnie the pooh for making the word blustery so awesome.
436. Science.
437. Do overs
438. A cozy bed at the end of a long week
439. Food.
440. Sesame street on YouTube
441. Babies sleeping right in front if the door.
442. Hard heads and resilient brains
443. Thin ice that crackles underfoot
444. Her mullet
445. Neighbors
446. Romance
447. The way he still gives me butterflies just thinking about him
448. Early days off
449. Week of school vacation
450. School being back in session
451. Day with just my girl
452. Having enough to buy all the groceries
453. Friend visiting
454. Planning a date night.
455. Flowers
456. Cooking an awesome meal
457. Sharing it with my favorite people
458. Coffee break
459. Grade school sports
460. Creme brulé
461. Granola bars
462. Low clouds
463. Tall pines trees at the bottom of the hill
464. Bird berries on the back trees
465. Birds out the back window singing while snacking
466. Gum
467. Starry nights
468. Christmas lights
469. Christmas music
470. Daddy being home early
471. Home improvement happening.
472. Snow flakes
473. Eggnog
474. Fragrant pine trees
475. Naptime.
476. Having a great job
478. Bonus time with my boy
479. Snow days
480 snuggling under warm covers on chilly mornings
481. Flannel sheets
482 snuggly blankets
483. Cheese
484. Kids sleeping in
485. Christmas lights
486. Choirs singing
487. Goats
488. Hot chocolate
489. Rising bread
490. Honesty
491. Birds st the feeder
492. Intuition.
493. Finding a deal that seems made just for me
495. Family dinners
496. Birthday cake miracles
497. Invitations
498. Thoughtful neighbors
499. Adults who talk to my kids
500. White fog heavy on the trees
501. The smell of freshly cut junipers.
502. Rhododendrons
503. Christmas
504. A new favorite song
505. The smell of mud
506. Cookies.
507. Bathing suit season being far away from cookie season
508. Husband
509. Lemon curd
510 chocolate
511. The way she giggles.
512. The way she says mama
513. Listening to him tell good stories.
514. How smart and sure he is becoming.
515. When she dances in the back during church
516. Trees
517. Holding hands in the woods
518. New traditions
519. Skype
520. Medical tests that give answers
521. Hope.
522. Grace
523. Your unwavering love.
524. New mercies each day
525. Notes from friends
526. My mom
527. The moss covered trees
528. Foggy mornings
529. Watching a friends family grow
530. Getting to give back.
531. My furnace
532. The way kids always forgive
533. Getting to put my lady to bed
534. My boys love for Christ
535. Ponytails and yoga pants
536. Coffee
537. When he works hard and it pays off
538. Love from everyone around me.
539. Soup
540. Car carts at the grocery
541. Baby squirrel at the feeder
542. Friends who offer ingredients
543. Toddler giggles
544. Spell check.
545 Greek yogurt with 8billion calories per bite
546. Tucking my girl in at night
547. My dishwasher
548. Spiderman band aids
549. Ferns growing right out of trees
550. Birthday flowers delivered from bright eyed girls
551. Stroller rides
552. When daddy's s hedule gETs waaaayyy better
553. Watching my boy flourish
554. Coffee
555. Listening to her try out new words
556. The way no one else will do and that I get to be her mama
557. Signing times dvds
558. Family date nights
559. Working car.
560. When she sings with her little wookie voice
561. My bed
562. Pacifiers
563. Hot showers
564. Doggie heavy breathing.
565. Snooze button.
566. Rain softly falling outside
567. Good rain jacket
568. Hawks impressing females in flight
569. Her napping in my arms.
570. Those eyelashes and that perfect little everything.
571. The way she runs away after a tubby with her naked heiny on the loose giggly as I chase her.
572. Another lost tooth and the cutest window I've ever seen in a smile
573. When the sun peeks out right when I start to shiver
574. Her feisty spirit
575. The way he reads aloud.
576. Hubs jokes. I love his jokes.
577. A safe and working car.
578. Being on the west coast
579. A green winter
580. Moss growing right on the road
581. Doggies running in their sleep
582. Watching her dream
583. Muffins
584. Morning coffee with my man
585. Toothpaste
586. Looking out on the big ocean and feeling so small.
587. Sunsets over the ocean
588. Family beach day
589. Basement play rooms
590. Laughing together.
591. My helpful boy
592. A new gallon of paint
593. Popsicle sticks
594. Moss covered green roads
595. Rainy days
596. Long walks with a quiet crew in the stroller
597. Card board boxes and kids imaginations
598. Baby laughs and cackles
599. Sleeping through the night
600. Family weekends
601. Snowflakes gently falling and them MELTING.
602. Sisters
603. Birds at the feeders
604. Weekend hikes through tall trees
605. Glue and plastic eyeballs
606. Washable markers
607. Coffee at naptime on s cold day
608. The way He takes care of the smallest details
609. A boy who loves to learn about God
610. New babies growing.
611. NOT being the pregnant lady
612. Dreams for our wild life
613. Lemon curd
614. Being able to give gifts
615. My dreamy husband
616. 3 months of scrubs rotations...meaning no ironing dress clothes.
617. I need to say this one again...no ironing for three months.
618. Fleece jackets with thumbholes
619. Remembrance candles
620. A great book by Angie Smith
621. When someone gets it all.
622. Being alone.
623. A full tank of gas and a full trunk of groceries.
624. Windy nights
625. Husband sleeping next to me
626. Muffins in the oven
627. Exciting weather that maybe cancels school.
628. Long talks with my boy
629. Reading with my boy
630. Her middle of the night we up calls
631. Snow days for the whole family.
632. Snow ball fights
633. Birthdays
634. Rainys days that take away the snow
635. Steam rising on the road
636. Electric green moss on everything.
637. The way she has to dance every time wagon wheel plays.
638. Make believe play
639. Harry Potter
640. Getying to stay home with my lady.
641. Puddle jumping
642. Hummingbirds
643. Jay birds
644. Orange pants
645. Family
646. Hummingbirds at the feeder
647. Warm rain
648. When she eats
649. The way he loves me
650. Soccer balls and green grass
651. The way the world wakes up in spring
652. Buds unfurling
653. A pot of tea and a food friend to share it with
654. The way she counts
655. Finished floors
656. Living room dance parties and her moves.
657. How he still loves me madly after all these years
658. Toddler hugs
659. Frost kissed spring blooms
660. Family reading time on the couch.
661. Weight gain
662. Burpee seed catalog
663. Robins on the deck rail
664. Fragrant plum blossoms
665. Dog snores
666. Family walks on a warm evening
667. A pot of soup
668. When she hides behind the curtains and says boo
669. An afternoon nap
670. Finding my voice through writing
671. Pictures of my boy.
672. A sequined tank top
673. Sisters
674. Flowers blooming
675. Obeying His prompts and seeing the fruit
676. Steam rising from the roof
677. Sun after the rain
678. Coyotes howling in the middle of the night
679. Special family breakfasts
680. Coffee
681. Seeing kindness happen
682. Spring blossoms.
683. Seeing ordinary things as spectacular
684. Electrics moss
685. Jay birds
686. Hummingbirds glowing iridescent in the sun
687. Fragrant blooms
688. Gnarly trees
689. Family date nights
690. A pot of tea and a sunny window
691. His faithfulness
692. Bug hunts
693. How He loves me regardless
694. Subshine
695. Muddy hikes
696. Petals floating to the ground
697. Husband's jokes
698. Coffee
699. That the furnace still works
700. Disney movies at dinner time
701. Wildflowers
702. New babies
703. Spicy curry
704. Writing through it
705. Girlfriends
706. Personal trainer sister
707. Church
708. Grace. Always
709. Being chased. Radaph
710. Clicky pens from special places
711. The sky abs all the colors it offers
712. Walking to church
713. Wind blowing white petals over the path
714. Freshly cut grass
715. When he comes home early, an unexpected free day
716. A good hike
717. The way birds dance through the air
718. Listening to her sing "do you want to build a snowman"
719. Grilled pineapple salsa
720. Perspective on the little problems
721. A new hair cut
722. Netting friends for lunch
723. The crack if a bat connecting with the ball
724. When my little big man brings up big God questions and the light bulbs go off.
725. Watching my man and knowing I'm the one that got this lucky
726. Fragrance of magnolia blooms
727. Quiet night time laughter
728. Coffee and donuts with friends after church.
729. A new playground to explore
730. The way she has no fear but still makes good choices
731. Wet footprints on the clean floor
732. Worm hunting g
733. Finishing projects
734. Wearing spandex
735. Pink crocs
736. Bubbles and chalk
737. Popsicles on hot days
738. Friends
739. Texting
740. Sunshine and a free hour
741. Impending vacation
742. Birds pulling up worms
743. Doggie snuggles
744. Hummingbirds buzzing at the feeder.
745. Beach vacations
746. Weddings and family time
747. Cousining
748. Sale Pending
749. Home.
750. Gardening
751. Thunder
752. Baby snakes and salamanders
753. Tylenol and pacifiers
754. Brunch with neighbors
755. Finally having an emergency contact in town
756. Birthday cake
757. Jay birds flying in my path
758. Frozen. Let it go...
759. Cooking in my kitchen
760. She is starting to eat. Amen.
761. Sunny days with fluffy clouds
762. Finding random dino "gifts" and knowing they are from J.
763. Blueberry bushes
764. Coffee
765. The way I can always make it all better for her.
766. Family hiking dates
767. Elmer's glue in the hands of a two year old.
768. Bedtime
769. Three day weekends
770. Cottonwood trees on s breezy day
771. Family dinner on the deck
772. Lawn games
773. New gates in the fence
774. Having a bathroom mirror.
775. Bleeding hearts and sword ferns
776. Fresh strawberries
777. A great cookbook
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Messy
I keep meaning to write more. It's not that I don't have a lot to say. I could write a novel with all of the ideas floating in around in my crazy brain right now. But it all takes time. Everything takes time. And maybe I'm not doing the best job at using my time wisely. But I'm trying. And I really do want writing to be a priority, but its hard for me to do it at the end of the day when things slow down and the kids are in bed and I haven't seen the Hubs since last night at this time. I tend to glance at the computer and then across the room at the ever present overflowing laundry baskets waiting to be folded and the sink full of dirty dishes and drywall that still needs taping and mudding and the walls that are still cat-pee ivory and the floors that are covered in pawprints and milk splashes and crumbs even though I *just* washed them like 2 hours before. I think about the laundry that needs to get transfered from the washer to the dryer, this never ending dirty to clean cycle that is my life.
I feel like I spend all day every day just trying to make things clean. Over and over and over. And I'm always failing. I clean the house and the clothes and I sweep pine needles from the deck and pick up the turds on the lawn and keep the bad shows off the television and try so hard to teach love and be love. But everything always keeps getting dirty. The kids spill, the trees drop more leaves, the dogs keep pooping, the frustration and fear creep in and muddy the heart and mind. And I'm still walking around with the mop and I don't even bother unplugging the vacuum anymore and doesn't everyone have laundry piling up somewhere? And even though I swore I'd slow down and do it better next time, I still yelled at the boy and I still cursed under my breath when the girl yet again refused to eat anything.
So I sweep the cobwebs from the chandelier and vacuum under the bed for the first time in a month and how is it already that gross? And the washer keeps beeping incessantly and I'm cleaning the toilet for the umpteenth time this week already and I swore I wouldn't let it all get to me this time. But then the teacher needs to talk to me after school and the girl still refuses to eat or put on pants and its not time for dinner and God, please, when can it be bedtime because I'm about to lose it with everything. I'm just trying so hard to keep it all clean. The house, the yard, the kids, the heart. It is exhausting, all this cleaning all of the time.
And it's still not bedtime and I'm seething and wondering how wrong I must be doing everything? Because not everyone has dishes piled high every day or laundry baskets overflowing. And I know I have girlfriends who don't even own TVs and probably don't yell at their kids and everyone wears pants everyday and where did they get this superpower? So I try cleaning it all out again, these dirty spots in my house and in my heart. But nothing ever just stays nice and pretty, does it? The dust collects so fast. And the anger flashes when things don't go as planned. And it's all so frustrating and exhausting and lonely. What am I doing wrong?
But I've written before that there is beauty that comes from brokenness and does that mean I should be able to find beauty in the mess of toys strewn across the floors? Beauty in the muddy pawprints tracking down my hall? Where is this beauty in the hot mess that I become when I lose it? And now that I'm calm and cool and everything is quiet and my chair is facing out the window so I can't see the sink or the laundry baskets or the pawprints and the babies are sleeping and the boy is at school and right now in this second when I am sane and clear, I can see that there is beauty in it all. The blessings in having toys. And clothes. And floors. I am so grateful for the abundance we have. But is there even beauty in me? When I'm a hot mess of anger and frustration and tears? I think so. Because this is where I see the grace. I am loved, even when I'm a crappy person. HE loves me, even though He sees every speck of dirt in my heart. And the boy and the girl and the Hubs still love me even though I lose it and go all crazy woman on them more often than I'd like to admit. They offer forgiveness and grace and love. And it overwhelms me, this beauty here, where things seem so messy and raw and ugly so often.
So I continue to clean. This never ending cycle of dirty to clean to dirty and back to clean, it will never end here. Perfect just doesn't happen on this side of paradise. But there is a yearning to make it beautiful, to make it good. So I'll keep trying and I know I'll keep failing, but I'll press on.
I feel like I spend all day every day just trying to make things clean. Over and over and over. And I'm always failing. I clean the house and the clothes and I sweep pine needles from the deck and pick up the turds on the lawn and keep the bad shows off the television and try so hard to teach love and be love. But everything always keeps getting dirty. The kids spill, the trees drop more leaves, the dogs keep pooping, the frustration and fear creep in and muddy the heart and mind. And I'm still walking around with the mop and I don't even bother unplugging the vacuum anymore and doesn't everyone have laundry piling up somewhere? And even though I swore I'd slow down and do it better next time, I still yelled at the boy and I still cursed under my breath when the girl yet again refused to eat anything.
So I sweep the cobwebs from the chandelier and vacuum under the bed for the first time in a month and how is it already that gross? And the washer keeps beeping incessantly and I'm cleaning the toilet for the umpteenth time this week already and I swore I wouldn't let it all get to me this time. But then the teacher needs to talk to me after school and the girl still refuses to eat or put on pants and its not time for dinner and God, please, when can it be bedtime because I'm about to lose it with everything. I'm just trying so hard to keep it all clean. The house, the yard, the kids, the heart. It is exhausting, all this cleaning all of the time.
And it's still not bedtime and I'm seething and wondering how wrong I must be doing everything? Because not everyone has dishes piled high every day or laundry baskets overflowing. And I know I have girlfriends who don't even own TVs and probably don't yell at their kids and everyone wears pants everyday and where did they get this superpower? So I try cleaning it all out again, these dirty spots in my house and in my heart. But nothing ever just stays nice and pretty, does it? The dust collects so fast. And the anger flashes when things don't go as planned. And it's all so frustrating and exhausting and lonely. What am I doing wrong?
But I've written before that there is beauty that comes from brokenness and does that mean I should be able to find beauty in the mess of toys strewn across the floors? Beauty in the muddy pawprints tracking down my hall? Where is this beauty in the hot mess that I become when I lose it? And now that I'm calm and cool and everything is quiet and my chair is facing out the window so I can't see the sink or the laundry baskets or the pawprints and the babies are sleeping and the boy is at school and right now in this second when I am sane and clear, I can see that there is beauty in it all. The blessings in having toys. And clothes. And floors. I am so grateful for the abundance we have. But is there even beauty in me? When I'm a hot mess of anger and frustration and tears? I think so. Because this is where I see the grace. I am loved, even when I'm a crappy person. HE loves me, even though He sees every speck of dirt in my heart. And the boy and the girl and the Hubs still love me even though I lose it and go all crazy woman on them more often than I'd like to admit. They offer forgiveness and grace and love. And it overwhelms me, this beauty here, where things seem so messy and raw and ugly so often.
So I continue to clean. This never ending cycle of dirty to clean to dirty and back to clean, it will never end here. Perfect just doesn't happen on this side of paradise. But there is a yearning to make it beautiful, to make it good. So I'll keep trying and I know I'll keep failing, but I'll press on.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Looking At Pictures
So I'm sitting at the kitchen table listening to music blasting on the stereo. Little Lady is on the floor next to me, mangling my chapstick and pulling all the wipes out of the container. Little Man is locked in his room playing legos. They are both growing up so quickly. I'm looking at pictures of my Jameson on my computer and on Facebook. I love to look at the old ones on there and read the captions. It makes me remember. I'm looking at my boy over the years...the three years we had. They are like gold.
There are carrots roasting in the oven. Mushrooms sauteing on the stove. The wild rice burgers are leftovers from last night, but I'm hoping nobody will complain with the addition of mushrooms tonight. I'm drinking a beer. I gave up alcohol for Lent, so...
And I'm looking at old pictures. All the pictures of him are so old. We all looked so young. Little Man was such a baby still. And us, we were still so shiny and new. Now we have wrinkles and grey hairs and the wizened look that only comes from living through what we lived through. We've aged a lot.
It's raining outside and I'm so happy Hubs was able to take the car to work instead of riding his bike as he usually does. I'm wondering when he's going to come home and feeling lonely and missing Jameson and looking at old pictures. And I wonder what our lives would be like if we had three kids still. I've never had all three kids together. The boys would share a room and she would be the baby princess, which doesn't actually change much. We'd need another dresser. And a minivan. Minivan's kinda break my heart because I should need one. Isn't that ridiculous?
So I'm just sitting here and the kids are playing legos together. And the beer is good. And the carrots are starting to smell sweet and the mushrooms are on low. And even though his shift ended an hour ago, the Hubs is still working. Thats what happens when you marry amazing. He is amazing and I will never forget to feel lucky. And I'm missing him and I'm missing Jameson and I'm missing the shiny and new that we'll never have again now that this tarnish sits over everything. And I'm just looking at pictures and wondering if Little Lady will ever know what shiny and new is, since the tarnish came before she arrived.
I'm just looking at pictures. Old pictures of St. Patrick's Days that were all about wearing green and drinking beer and having fun with people we love and everything was shiny and happy. And Jameson was here and life was one big brunch and parade. But now there's this tarnish that just won't go away. And maybe I don't want it to.
The music is still loud and the kids are both playing in Little Man's room all independent and not needing their mama every five seconds and isn't this the best and the worst all rolled into one? And I'm sipping this great local Irish IPA from a can and the carrots are done and the mushrooms are still on low and the Hubs is still making sick people better and I'm just sitting here looking at old pictures. Jameson was so healthy and normal. What the hell happened?
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I'm going to get up early and make Irish soda bread with golden raisins for breakfast. And then get all decked out for the day with green and orange and beads and pins and crazy socks and hats. I've laid out insane costumes for the kids and already asked the teacher if Little Man can wear a green mustache to school or not? And I've laid out Hubs options in Irish boxers and socks and t-shirts. I kinda hope he picks the "Fight Me I'm Irish" shirt. And I wonder if he can wear buttons or suspenders with his scrubs in the ICU. Probably not. He also won't be wearing his kelly green dress shirt, which we bought for Jameson's funeral. It'll be a fun day but our son is still dead.
Little Lady is done with legos. She's playing with the light switches and my beer is empty and I'm thinking about cracking open another one because I've already screwed up on Lent, what's one more? And Hubs is on his way home, which will make everything so much better. And I'm looking at old pictures while listening to my Rainbow Baby sing at the top of her lungs with the music still blasting and wondering if I'm living in the past because I'm still looking at old pictures and wishing we were still all shiny and new.
But Little Lady is still singing and I'm pretty sure I need to change her diaper and I look at her twirling and I know I'm not. Because as much as I want my past, I want my future too. And maybe my desires are more complicated than most people's are. Because I would give almost anything to have what I had. But I would never give up what I have now and how does that reconcile? The "if only" thoughts are a slippery slope.
And I'm listening to Bon Jovi singing about Living on a Prayer and there's this princess sitting on my lap who definitely needs her diaper changed and Hubs will be home any moment and the rain is still falling and now the Beatles are singling Let It Be. And I love this life. I just wish it were plus one instead of minus one.
Always minus one.
There are carrots roasting in the oven. Mushrooms sauteing on the stove. The wild rice burgers are leftovers from last night, but I'm hoping nobody will complain with the addition of mushrooms tonight. I'm drinking a beer. I gave up alcohol for Lent, so...
And I'm looking at old pictures. All the pictures of him are so old. We all looked so young. Little Man was such a baby still. And us, we were still so shiny and new. Now we have wrinkles and grey hairs and the wizened look that only comes from living through what we lived through. We've aged a lot.
It's raining outside and I'm so happy Hubs was able to take the car to work instead of riding his bike as he usually does. I'm wondering when he's going to come home and feeling lonely and missing Jameson and looking at old pictures. And I wonder what our lives would be like if we had three kids still. I've never had all three kids together. The boys would share a room and she would be the baby princess, which doesn't actually change much. We'd need another dresser. And a minivan. Minivan's kinda break my heart because I should need one. Isn't that ridiculous?
So I'm just sitting here and the kids are playing legos together. And the beer is good. And the carrots are starting to smell sweet and the mushrooms are on low. And even though his shift ended an hour ago, the Hubs is still working. Thats what happens when you marry amazing. He is amazing and I will never forget to feel lucky. And I'm missing him and I'm missing Jameson and I'm missing the shiny and new that we'll never have again now that this tarnish sits over everything. And I'm just looking at pictures and wondering if Little Lady will ever know what shiny and new is, since the tarnish came before she arrived.
I'm just looking at pictures. Old pictures of St. Patrick's Days that were all about wearing green and drinking beer and having fun with people we love and everything was shiny and happy. And Jameson was here and life was one big brunch and parade. But now there's this tarnish that just won't go away. And maybe I don't want it to.
The music is still loud and the kids are both playing in Little Man's room all independent and not needing their mama every five seconds and isn't this the best and the worst all rolled into one? And I'm sipping this great local Irish IPA from a can and the carrots are done and the mushrooms are still on low and the Hubs is still making sick people better and I'm just sitting here looking at old pictures. Jameson was so healthy and normal. What the hell happened?
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I'm going to get up early and make Irish soda bread with golden raisins for breakfast. And then get all decked out for the day with green and orange and beads and pins and crazy socks and hats. I've laid out insane costumes for the kids and already asked the teacher if Little Man can wear a green mustache to school or not? And I've laid out Hubs options in Irish boxers and socks and t-shirts. I kinda hope he picks the "Fight Me I'm Irish" shirt. And I wonder if he can wear buttons or suspenders with his scrubs in the ICU. Probably not. He also won't be wearing his kelly green dress shirt, which we bought for Jameson's funeral. It'll be a fun day but our son is still dead.
Little Lady is done with legos. She's playing with the light switches and my beer is empty and I'm thinking about cracking open another one because I've already screwed up on Lent, what's one more? And Hubs is on his way home, which will make everything so much better. And I'm looking at old pictures while listening to my Rainbow Baby sing at the top of her lungs with the music still blasting and wondering if I'm living in the past because I'm still looking at old pictures and wishing we were still all shiny and new.
But Little Lady is still singing and I'm pretty sure I need to change her diaper and I look at her twirling and I know I'm not. Because as much as I want my past, I want my future too. And maybe my desires are more complicated than most people's are. Because I would give almost anything to have what I had. But I would never give up what I have now and how does that reconcile? The "if only" thoughts are a slippery slope.
And I'm listening to Bon Jovi singing about Living on a Prayer and there's this princess sitting on my lap who definitely needs her diaper changed and Hubs will be home any moment and the rain is still falling and now the Beatles are singling Let It Be. And I love this life. I just wish it were plus one instead of minus one.
Always minus one.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Green
Spring has arrived here in the Pacific Northwest. Everything is so green. The trees, the grass, the roads. Moss grows on everything and it is so beautiful. Our private road is positively glowing with living beauty right now. I love this place. We also have bulbs popping out bursts of bright blue and orange and yellow. The air has an earthy, fresh scent, the birds are singing melodies to the heavens, the sun is showering us with warmth. I'm enjoying watching a teeny brown squirrel eating bird seed off the
deck out one window and a hummingbird at the feeder out of another right
at this moment and marveling at His handiwork. He is The Great Artist, indeed.
Hubs had been working nights for roughly the past five weeks and is finally back on days at the hospital. Which means I've finally been able to really let the kids make noise in the house, vacuum, clank around washing dishes...okay you got me on that last one; the sink is sky high with mixing bowls and cookie sheets and pans. I'm reveling in naptime quiet at the moment and certainly not about to let a sink change that.
My coffee cup is nearing empty , but it's my third cup already, so I can't feel too bad. And it is sitting atop a bright green and white checked and shamrock adorned tablecloth that has me smiling every time I look down. I just love St. Patrick's Day. For me, it is a family holiday. It is a day we set aside to celebrate life with the people we love. And it is a day that we now honor our sweet Irish Prince. My red-headed Angel-Boy. Thinking about it and him makes so so happy and so heart-broken all at once.
And even though things are going to be very different this year, we are still planning on getting our Irish on as much as possible. I'm not going to lie, I'm probably more homesick for this holiday than Christmas and Thanksgiving combined. Not only will we miss the family and friends, but we will miss the always fantastic St. Patrick's Day parade, the Celtic Mass at the Cathedral, the bagpipes. Alas, there is no parade here and I've seen no mention of any special masses. Well, I suppose this town had to have one fault.
We are, however, going to rally as best we can. Hubs will be working from God-awful-early to much-too-late as usual, but we will do our best work around that. The house is slowly being covered in construction paper shamrocks and rainbow chains. We have our green and orange ready to wear, down to the 7 days of Irish socks that I busted out earlier in the week. Today's are knee-high with shamrocks. I know. I'm awesome. I've got the Irish dinner planned. And if I'm feeling quite brave, we may head to a pub to hear some bagpipers. We're gonna celebrate. And this handsome man will be at the center of it all for me.
I hope you all have a lovely St. Patrick's Day weekend. If possible, go a little Irish in honor of my Jameson.
Slainte!
Hubs had been working nights for roughly the past five weeks and is finally back on days at the hospital. Which means I've finally been able to really let the kids make noise in the house, vacuum, clank around washing dishes...okay you got me on that last one; the sink is sky high with mixing bowls and cookie sheets and pans. I'm reveling in naptime quiet at the moment and certainly not about to let a sink change that.
My coffee cup is nearing empty , but it's my third cup already, so I can't feel too bad. And it is sitting atop a bright green and white checked and shamrock adorned tablecloth that has me smiling every time I look down. I just love St. Patrick's Day. For me, it is a family holiday. It is a day we set aside to celebrate life with the people we love. And it is a day that we now honor our sweet Irish Prince. My red-headed Angel-Boy. Thinking about it and him makes so so happy and so heart-broken all at once.
And even though things are going to be very different this year, we are still planning on getting our Irish on as much as possible. I'm not going to lie, I'm probably more homesick for this holiday than Christmas and Thanksgiving combined. Not only will we miss the family and friends, but we will miss the always fantastic St. Patrick's Day parade, the Celtic Mass at the Cathedral, the bagpipes. Alas, there is no parade here and I've seen no mention of any special masses. Well, I suppose this town had to have one fault.
We are, however, going to rally as best we can. Hubs will be working from God-awful-early to much-too-late as usual, but we will do our best work around that. The house is slowly being covered in construction paper shamrocks and rainbow chains. We have our green and orange ready to wear, down to the 7 days of Irish socks that I busted out earlier in the week. Today's are knee-high with shamrocks. I know. I'm awesome. I've got the Irish dinner planned. And if I'm feeling quite brave, we may head to a pub to hear some bagpipers. We're gonna celebrate. And this handsome man will be at the center of it all for me.
I hope you all have a lovely St. Patrick's Day weekend. If possible, go a little Irish in honor of my Jameson.
Slainte!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Odd Man Out
I blinked and February was gone. And I barely had a chance to take a breath and March is already a third over. How did this happen? I feel like, in so many ways, that too much has happened to try to write about any of it now; yet really nothing has happened, as well. The days and weeks pass with the same highs and lows. The household seems slightly under control and then five seconds later the floors are insanely crumby and filthy; the laundry gets folded and miraculously put away and two days later the piles waiting to be washed and folded are bigger than the couch (how do we get so dirty so quickly???); the mommy plans great activities and has patience to read the same story 85 times in one sitting and then and hour later she's turning on the TV and biting her tongue while counting down the minutes to bedtime and pulling out her hair; I'm content with my older and out of fashion self until I got to school pick up and keep looking over my shoulder for the fashion police who have surely been called in to pick me up. I'm feeling alright until I go and try to take a deep breath and I can't.
Little Man and I are reading Harry Potter together. I love to read with him. Love it. It is one of my favorite ways to spend time with him. We curl up on the couch together under a blanket, we make a pot of tea and each have a special mug, and I read. And he drives me crazy with his constant wriggling around and interrupting at all the good parts with his interpretations and questions -which I hate and love at the same time-, and we read like crazy fools for hours. Sometimes Hubs will sit in the recliner next to the couch and I'll rub his feet while I'm reading and he'll listen for about five seconds until he's asleep. And if Little Lady is awake she's usually bouncing off the walls and trying to sing over my voice, which drives Little Man insane and I'm pretty sure that is why she does it. But the two of us will sit there and just get lost in a book. And we'll get up early to read as much as we can before school. And before bed we'll read until bedtime and then I almost always give in for just one more chapter and he's always staying up too late because neither one of us can put a book down. It makes my heart happy to read with him.
We just finished Book Five in the Harry Potter Series. It has been so long since I've read them all. It is so fun to rediscover the stories and characters again, and with my boy beside me. And so interesting to meet the characters again as this new person. I'm the new person, in case I've lost you...it's late and I'm writing with a tired mind. But I'm a different person and the perspectives and contexts are all so new. It makes everything else seem new, too, in a way. And without trying to sound like a crazy person, I see Jameson and I see my grief in everything. Songs on the radio, books, anything that hints and sadness, longing, lost love, death...it all gets crammed into my context. So Harry Potter. Book Five is where his Godfather dies. And I find myself reading it and feeling things clicking into place in my head when I read it...which seems slightly ridiculous to me that I'm getting grief support from a fictional kids book, but as mentioned above, I see it everywhere. Anyway, back to Potter and my entirely obvious and ineloquent feelings. He's describing how he feels after Sirius dies and he talks about how when he's with people he wished he were alone and when he's alone he wishes he were with people. And it seems like it's probably one of those emotional "duhs" for most people but I'm all like "yes!, this is me!" while reading it. I feel rather silly writing this out because it sounds fairly lame as I'm rereading it. But it seems emotionally important for me to say this. Because I struggle so much with it. Before Jameson got sick, I was 100% an extrovert. I loved meeting new people, loved social gatherings, loved talking, did not like being alone. And now, I love being alone, except when I'm feeling lonely(what does that even mean???), I totally struggle at social gatherings, and would much rather be wallpaper than take part in group conversations. Yet, I still do love people...it's just that I can only handle it for so long before I need to be alone again. I often find myself "rescued" by needing to chase down Little Lady on the playground, even if I really like the person I'm talking with and enjoying the conversation(again, how does that make any sense???).
It can all get so complicated and confusing, this whole life thing. But tonight, while reading, it just kind of clicked for the umpteenth time at how "other" I tend to feel always. And it makes me think of how Little Man always, always needs to tell people about how his brother is dead, because I do too. And I maybe don't want to talk about it, but I have to. I have to. It's....hard, complicated, impossible. Not just the talking about it, but the whole talking to someone and feeling like I have to say it, wondering when it will inevitability have to come up in the conversation, anxiously wondering if I'll get all "ugly cry" or hold it together, and really, which one is worse? Dreading the reaction, the questions, the pity. And knowing that even though I'll feel slightly better once it's out there, I'll still feel like I don't quite fit in. I always feel that way. I know everyone feels like they don't quite fit in to a certain extent; I do in lots of ways. But I've made peace with most of the ways I'm a bit different. Hard to make peace with this one.
And now my tired brain is getting to the mushy stage, so I'm off to bed. St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner; it is a special family holiday and a day I try to celebrate my Irish Prince. Will write more on that soon.
Little Man and I are reading Harry Potter together. I love to read with him. Love it. It is one of my favorite ways to spend time with him. We curl up on the couch together under a blanket, we make a pot of tea and each have a special mug, and I read. And he drives me crazy with his constant wriggling around and interrupting at all the good parts with his interpretations and questions -which I hate and love at the same time-, and we read like crazy fools for hours. Sometimes Hubs will sit in the recliner next to the couch and I'll rub his feet while I'm reading and he'll listen for about five seconds until he's asleep. And if Little Lady is awake she's usually bouncing off the walls and trying to sing over my voice, which drives Little Man insane and I'm pretty sure that is why she does it. But the two of us will sit there and just get lost in a book. And we'll get up early to read as much as we can before school. And before bed we'll read until bedtime and then I almost always give in for just one more chapter and he's always staying up too late because neither one of us can put a book down. It makes my heart happy to read with him.
We just finished Book Five in the Harry Potter Series. It has been so long since I've read them all. It is so fun to rediscover the stories and characters again, and with my boy beside me. And so interesting to meet the characters again as this new person. I'm the new person, in case I've lost you...it's late and I'm writing with a tired mind. But I'm a different person and the perspectives and contexts are all so new. It makes everything else seem new, too, in a way. And without trying to sound like a crazy person, I see Jameson and I see my grief in everything. Songs on the radio, books, anything that hints and sadness, longing, lost love, death...it all gets crammed into my context. So Harry Potter. Book Five is where his Godfather dies. And I find myself reading it and feeling things clicking into place in my head when I read it...which seems slightly ridiculous to me that I'm getting grief support from a fictional kids book, but as mentioned above, I see it everywhere. Anyway, back to Potter and my entirely obvious and ineloquent feelings. He's describing how he feels after Sirius dies and he talks about how when he's with people he wished he were alone and when he's alone he wishes he were with people. And it seems like it's probably one of those emotional "duhs" for most people but I'm all like "yes!, this is me!" while reading it. I feel rather silly writing this out because it sounds fairly lame as I'm rereading it. But it seems emotionally important for me to say this. Because I struggle so much with it. Before Jameson got sick, I was 100% an extrovert. I loved meeting new people, loved social gatherings, loved talking, did not like being alone. And now, I love being alone, except when I'm feeling lonely(what does that even mean???), I totally struggle at social gatherings, and would much rather be wallpaper than take part in group conversations. Yet, I still do love people...it's just that I can only handle it for so long before I need to be alone again. I often find myself "rescued" by needing to chase down Little Lady on the playground, even if I really like the person I'm talking with and enjoying the conversation(again, how does that make any sense???).
It can all get so complicated and confusing, this whole life thing. But tonight, while reading, it just kind of clicked for the umpteenth time at how "other" I tend to feel always. And it makes me think of how Little Man always, always needs to tell people about how his brother is dead, because I do too. And I maybe don't want to talk about it, but I have to. I have to. It's....hard, complicated, impossible. Not just the talking about it, but the whole talking to someone and feeling like I have to say it, wondering when it will inevitability have to come up in the conversation, anxiously wondering if I'll get all "ugly cry" or hold it together, and really, which one is worse? Dreading the reaction, the questions, the pity. And knowing that even though I'll feel slightly better once it's out there, I'll still feel like I don't quite fit in. I always feel that way. I know everyone feels like they don't quite fit in to a certain extent; I do in lots of ways. But I've made peace with most of the ways I'm a bit different. Hard to make peace with this one.
And now my tired brain is getting to the mushy stage, so I'm off to bed. St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner; it is a special family holiday and a day I try to celebrate my Irish Prince. Will write more on that soon.
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