Breathing

I went back to MOPS yesterday. I wasn't prepared for the raw emotion to start bubbling up in the car on the way there. I probably should have been; we did that drive a lot last year with J and I have so many memories of him in the car on the way to the grocery store we just passed. And the car wash. And the park. And MOPS. Walking in those doors was so difficult. If Little Man hadn't been so excited to be there I probably would have turned around and gone back home. But he was really excited, so we stayed. I'm so glad we did, but it was so hard. So hard to think, to talk, to breathe.

On the car ride home I remembered how Jameson always had to eat a breakfast bar in the car on the way home because he always fell asleep in the car. And I would gently lift him from his car seat and carry him to bed for his nap. I was trying so hard to remember the exact feel of him in my arms. The weight of his head on my shoulder, the feel of his arms and legs and belly snuggling in on me, the smell of his hair. And whatever scab had crusted over my heart was ripped off yesterday afternoon. I made it through dinner and then all of the pain and heartache welled up from the depths of my being and crashed down on me. I took J's blankey to bed with me at 8:30 and cried myself to sleep.

He is gone from this earth and I am so happy for him. So happy for him. Because is in heaven and it is so good. He is with Jesus. He is probably smiling and looking down on us from some warm beach up there and laughing as we

are all freezing our butts off down here. J never cared for the cold; he's my Florida Baby. I am so happy for him. But I am so sad for me. I miss him so much and nothing here can ever fill that void where a huge chunk of my heart used to be. I find myself thinking things like "if only I could have one more day" or "if only I could hold him one last time" but I know damn well that it would never be enough, I would always be begging for more.

I have never looked to heaven with such anticipation. I've never longed for it like home until now. Please don't get me wrong here- I have no plans to see Jameson anytime soon. No matter how badly I am hurting, I know that this life I have is still a gift from God and I intend to use it until my time is up. But when that time comes, I will be ready and willing to go home too. To be with Jesus and Jameson and the rest of my family. To hold my baby again and kiss his sweet little head and see him smile and hear him laugh as his daddy throws him in the air and know that our fairy tale will end happily ever after.