Processor Failure

Posting this is slightly monumental.  Because I'm technologically challenged + I have a toddler who likes to help me type.  And my computer up and died last week.  The Dell kicked it.  When I turn it on, I get the seven beeps of death over and over and over and nothing else.  When you google the seven beeps of death, you learn it means the computer is in processor failure.  Which means it is time to upgrade to a new computer.  Except that upgrading to a new computer means buying a new computer, which is so totally not in the budget.  Groceries have a slight edge this month. 

So I'm using Hubs old MacBook from med school.  I haven't used an Apple since junior high and they're a little different now.  Just trying to figure out which fingers to move which way on the mouse pad is killing me...I should have Little Man teach me...it is like kids are programed at birth to just know the technology of their generation.  The things he figures out astound me sometimes. But blogging is a little trickier here since the MacBook's memory is full and I can't upload pics to put on here.  I'll have to be descriptive, which could get funny. 

For instance, I really wanted to post a picture of my sneakers on here.  I'm really aging myself today -admitting I can't use a Mac, using words like sneakers....  Anywho, Little Man's school had this fantastic celebration this morning for Walk and Bike to School Day.  They had the Timbers Mascot here and Doc Broc, another picture I wish I could post.  I digress, but Doc Broc, come on!  It's an insane amount of cheese and awesomeness crammed into a man wearing a broccoli floret costume with a white coat.  Fun all the way down to the monster shamrock (or broccoli!) green converse shoes.  Awesomeness all around.  I took a picture this morning on my smarter-than-me phone and sent it to Hubs and told him I wished he were this cool of a Doc.  And that I wish our last name were Broc.  That would have motivated me to go to medical school.  Doc Broc.  My cheese radar cannot handle it. 

But back to the sneakers.  At this Walk and Bike to School party, they were giving out free shoe laces.  Nice, bright, glow-in-the-darkish yellow shoe laces.  Hideous shoe laces, but great for walking outside!  Well, it just so happens that my shoe laces in my hiking shoes are all mangled and falling apart.  Being ever so thrifty, I thought to myself, this is a great way to replace them, using these neon yellow laces.  My shoes are a stony beige hiking shoe.  And the laces I took out were a really dark brown.  And now I've got these dark beigey sneakers with these neon yellow laces in them.  Sigh.  I wish I could show you a picture, its just so....lovely.  Ahem.  Right. 

One of these days I will figure out how to add pictures on here from my phone.  Then you'll be able to see the monster pile of clean, unfolded and wrinklier-by-the-day laundry in my bedroom.  It's overtaken four baskets and growing!  And I'll put up Doc Broc and the sneakers, too.  And some food.  Like the pumpkin cake I made yesterday afternoon that is already half gone.  Because eating pumpkin cake for breakfast counts as getting in veggies.  I wonder what Doc Broc would say about that logic.  Ah, he was so cool! 

Alas, I must go and tame the mountain of laundry before Hub's scrubs get too wrinkled.  Can't have him looking more disheveled than produce in a white coat.  I really can't help it.  Doc Broc! 

Happy Hump Day!  (Speaking of that, have you all seen the Geico commercial turned song on YouTube? Almost as fun as Doc Broc!) 

206

1000 List
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation. 
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11.  Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16.  A Good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water.  Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22.  Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby. 
23.  Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work. 
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My moms meatloaf in the oven
32.  Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33.  Painting with toddlers. 
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee.  How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road. 
41.  Baby squirrels chasing each other in the trees. 
42.  Acorns
43.  Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44.  Coffee. Did I already say that?
45.  Being married to my best friend
46.  Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47.  Garden snakes.  Yes I did just say that.
48.  Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49.  IPod music
50. When the word neighbors really means friends
51. The enchilada sauce that breaks in the new kitchen.  Yes the paint really is scrubbable.
52.  Thunder and that rain smell that gets into your brain and makes you feel like a kid with a sidewalk full of puddles and no one around to say don't.
53.  Buddies for my kids
54.  A job interview that feels more like coffee with an old Friend
55.  Football season
56. Pumpkin anything and everything.
57. When she made a sound effects while playing with planes and trucks.
58.  Footie jammies
59. Beach days
60. Pints on the deck
61. Flying kites
62. The way birds sail in the breeze
63.  Pizza by the slice
64. Salty ocean air
65.  Low heavy clouds and blue skies all at once.
66.  Waves crashing on the sandy shore. 
67.  The perfect mix of sun heat and breeze
68. Sea gull cries.
69. Driftwood
70. Watching kids chasing birds on the sand
71. Sand and barefeet
72. My sons clothing choices...camp fleece pants with a muscle shirt and Mardi gras beads...at a restaurant.  Love.
73. Bedtime.
74. Hot showers
75. The newspaper.
76. Chasing wves in the ocean
77. Being big spoon at bedtime
78. My washing machine
79. My dishwasher
80. Hand me down clothes and toys
81. Sticky notes
82. Watching promises unfold in His time
83. Wind chimes
84.  Hearing my kids singing
85. Unintentional funnies from kids
86. Hearing the birds sing while lying in bed early
87. Mops
88. the snooze button
89. Living in a tight knit community and not being an outsider
90.  Watching diggers
91.   Music.
92. Clear starry night.
93.  Bread rising on the stove.
94. Pizza night with family
95.  Laughter of my kids playing together.
96. Comfy bed.
97. Spider webs catching all the fruit flies
98. Golden leaved falling from the trees
99. Cooking for my family
100. promise of eternity
101. Cloudy days
102. Sword ferns
103. Tree swings
104. Baby grass
105. Hope
106.  Fragrant wet cedar
107. Living in America
108. Pacific time zone so I can actually stay awake to finish a game.
109. Birthday cake
110. Late night laughter with hubs
111. New babies
112. Impromptu dinner invites
113. C S Lewis.
114. Encouraging texts and emails from friends.
115. Tree climbing
116. Chaotic playgrounds
117. Slides and static electricity.
118. Clouds heavy with rain rolling in
119. Kids playing tag
120. Fiery maple leaves
121. Late start days
122. Doggies running in their sleep
123. Marshmallows
124. Pictures on my kids
125. Neighbors
126. A good cold beer after a long day
127. Answer of small prayers and seeing the gifts they are.
128. Being able to connect with family and friends so easily with technology
129. Hot showers
130. Exciting opportunities
131.  Having options
132.  Realizing that almost every problem in my life is a mere first world annoyance and what a blessing that is even when it sucks
133. Owls on a hike
134. Out of town guests
135. Vacation days
136. Seeing the wonder of everything from a childs eyes
137. Silver flashes of birch in the wind
138. Cool fall mornings
139. Restaurants with play areas
140. Sleeping baby eye lashes.
141.  Tutus
142. Mountain vistas
143. Tide pools
144. Slugs all over on a hike
145. Getting to share favorite places with favorite people. 
146. Sisters
147. Elk poop
148. Rainy beach days
149. Fig and goat cheese crepes
150. Nutella
151. Bread bowl clam chowder
152. Fancy coffee presents
153. Backing up my hard drive a week before the computer crashes
154. Working and clean smelling furnace
155. The ocean.
156.  Laughter. 
157. Yellow galoshes
158.  Watching kids splash in puddles
159. Steamy grass after a rain shower
160. Getting to Starbucks a few minutes early. 
161.  Getting to go to Starbucks at all.
162. Whipped cream.  Seriously. 
163.  Pumpkin spice latte..how is this my first time!?
164. Remembering Gods faithfulness and seeing it even in the hard times.
165. Not having to wait at an awesome restaurant
166. Dust motes in a stream of sun
167. Crisp cool fall air
168. Baby snores
169. Still getting big hugs and kisses at school drop off
170. Craig's list
171. Crisp sweet apples
172. Having a handy hubs
173. Napping in the sun on a cool day.
174. Getting to stay home with my lady
175. Wool socks
176. Playing I spy with wood floor grains
177.  Pink dress up hats
178. Snails
179. The national anthem
180. My boy.  Always.
181. Rocket inventions. 
182. daddy daughter snuggles
183. Singing babies
184.  Hallway bowling
185. Composting
186. Staying dry on super rainy weekends
187.  Finding the perfect job.
188.  Toothpaste
189. Soup in the pot
190. Finding an old friend close by!
191. Sunflowers
192. Blue skies and sun after rainy days
193. Finishing projects
194. Toddlers jumping
195. Piano lessons
196. Discovering a new good book
197. Apples and cinnamon baking
198. Rosy cheeks
199. Jammies with feet
200. Modern medicine
201. Movie days
202. Coffee with whipped cream just because
203. Exploring with kids
204. An extra bedtime kiss
205. Down comforters
206. An organized closet!




And for the record, Hubs has like twice as many clothes as I do.  Throwing him under the bus...  Happy Wednesday!

Feels Like Home

Sorry I've been away for so long.  Life has a way of getting busy and crazy and then maybe even a little crazier.  But good, too.

Hubs had a week of vacation.  It was amazing.  Auntie K came out from Minnesota to play and we went to some of our favorite places.  We spent a day at the beach and ate crepes with nutella and banana and whipped cream, which is a little bit of heaven on earth.  We had chowder in bread bowls.  We went downtown and ate at some award winning restaurants.  We drank some mighty fine oktoberfests.  We hiked in the rain and stopped to smell the roses.  We hugged a few trees.  Little Lady even puckered up and smooched a few.  My kids love to hug trees and it makes my heart happy. 

After Auntie K flew home, Hubs got to work and put in our microwave and our floors!  We have real floors.  No more particle board floors that suck up every.little.spill like a sponge.  There is still a little left to do, but Lord have mercy, my house feels like a home. 

Yesterday I unpacked pictures.  We've been here for months without art.  It was awful, but I didn't realize it until I actually hung a few things up yesterday.  I can't wait to get the hammer and picture hangers in full swing again today, although I will wait because....  Drumroll, please....  I finally finished painting our bedroom closet and today is the day I unpack our clothes! 

Here is how I see it going down:  I'm going to vacuum up the dog hair in our room and lay our all the bins that will become Hub's "dresser" and then I'm going to get the mega box of hangers out of the garage and then I'm going to literally dump every article of clothing we own out onto the floor and start sorting.  Since Little Lady is such a great helper, this should be a fun all day project.  In a way, it's kinda like Christmas.  I get to unpack a whole wardrobe!  And maybe tomorrow I might put on clothes that I haven't worn every day for the past three months straight.   Ho, ho, ho. 

The chaos gets more and more fun every day.  But now I've got to get going and start the day.  These school mornings can get a little dicey with kids who want to sleep in.  This is called karma and everyone who knew me in high school should be laughing.  I was the world's crabbiest waker-upper ever.  I hated mornings so much that I would shower in the dark.  Blow dry my hair in the dark.  Curl my bangs with a hot curling iron in the dark.  I even put on my mascara in the dark.  Which may explain why I didn't date much in high school. 

Exciting things on the horizon: my Dad is coming to visit soon.  I start a nanny job for a cutie pie little guy soon.  Soup season is officially here. 

I'll check in soon with my 1000 list...I'm at 200 now! 

Six

Happy Birthday Jameson. 

We love you and miss you and hope you are having a lovely party in Heaven today. 

We will sing to you and eat cake and share good memories. 

Gone

I'm struggling this week.  Missing my boy.  Thinking about what 6 should be like.  Remembering how awful things were three years ago.  Wishing so hard it were all a different story I could be sharing today. 

My heart is imploding as I write this; grasping to find the words that I cannot articulate.  To describe what it is like three years later.  The loss is just as great; it does not diminish over time.  Instead, it almost feels like it gets bigger as more time goes by.  More time that could have and should have been.  More time that was stolen away from us.  The nagging feeling that we've been cheated out of one of the best things we ever had never goes away.  It is always right there, under the veil of composure we try to hard to maintain. 

But this week is tough one.  It is harder to focus, to talk, to think, to breathe.  The ache tugs a little more.  The hole gapes wider.  The tears flow faster.  And there is no release.  He is gone in the morning when I wake up.  And gone when I accidentally pull too many bowls down for the cereal at breakfast.  And he is gone when I make the beds and fold the socks and pick up the toys littering the floors.  He is gone when we drop off and pick up from school.  He is gone when we walk to the park.  He is gone when we eat dinner and when we have baths and read stories.  He is gone when the prayers are said.  And his bed stays empty  when the others are tucked in and kissed because he is gone.  And he is gone when the sun goes down and the world gets quiet.  He is gone when the dishes are washed and the shirts are ironed.  He is gone when I lie in bed at night.  And he is still gone when I wake in the middle of the night and can't sleep.  He is always gone. 

And while I sit here in a puddle, gasping for breathe, struggling to stay present, the world just keeps spinning.  And people all around me keep smiling.  And breakfasts till need to be made and dishes still need to be done.  And laundry mountains grow and drywall sits unfinished and paperwork piles up because I cannot move.  And I try to be gentle and allow the grief to happen.  Because it's okay to have hard weeks.  But the world still turns.  And I pray for grace to flow out and cover my family.  Because I am not the only one grieving.  This is hard week for all of us. 

The First 50

An update...

1000 List
1. Cleansing rain
2. New beginnings
3. Kilz paint
4. Morning snuggles with sleepy babies
5. Doggy deep breathing at my feet
6. Professional installation. 
7. Park Time with new friends
8. Thunderstorms
9. Nap times
10. Thai food
11.  Cool evenings and family walks
12. Swim lessons
13. Tissues with lotion
14. Daddy's day off.
15. Home depot employees
16.  A good vet
17. Losing my voice while learning to hold my tongue
18. Running water.  Clean running water.
19. Wrinkle free dress shirts
20. Turkish delight.
21. Reading together too late at night
22.  Enjoying the all night snuggle with the sick and fussy baby. 
23.  Football season and a working TV.
24. watching her hair grow and curl the same way her brothers did
25. Text from hubs with an unexpected and early leaving from work. 
26. Gummy vitamins
27. Teeny wet footprints
28. Coyote howls
29. Having a loop in the house
30. Watching them play together
31. My mom's meatloaf in the oven
32.  Baby squirrels chirping and chasing
33.  Painting with toddlers. 
34. Daily new beginnings
35. Spider webs
36. Coffee.  How did I wait this long to write coffee?
37. Tissues with lotion
38. Fresh bread...even if it didn't rise right
39. Baby gates
40. Wild flowers on the side of the road. 
41.  Grape vines in  my yard 
42.  Acorns
43.  Watching my boy play four square with new friends
44.  Coffee. Did I already say that?
45.  Being married to my best friend
46.  Having a mom who always picks up the phone even when I call 7 times in one day.
47.  Garden snakes.  Yes I did just say that.
48.  Not being afraid to try drywalling.
49.  IPod music
50.  whipped cream

What are you thankful for today?  

Dates

Yesterday was August 31st.  I thought about it a week ago-ish and then I had my days all mixed up and they day went by wholly unnoticed.  And then again all day today, I forgot all about it until tonight.  I was just picking up Narnia to read to Little Man when the date crashed over my head like a ton of bricks.  Along with a few extra bricks at the end for not remembering on the date.

Three years ago on August 31st, Jameson went in for a routine hernia surgery and our world changed forever.  Because there was never anything routine about Jameson.  And this routine surgery turned into a hospital stay, which turned into a PICU stay, which turned into the worst nightmare ever imaginable and in so many ways, it is still going on.

And now it is September first.  And school is starting in two days for Little Man.  And if Jameson were still here, he'd be going into kindergarten.  Come Wednesday, I'm going to feel pretty damn sad when I think about how I should be packing two lunches.  And in two weeks, my special little boy would be turning 6.  He's been gone for almost as long as he was here.

There seems to be a fine line in this grieving between remembering and allowing myself to be sad and dwelling on the sadness.  The dwelling is easy, but it totally sucks.  Because it isn't Jameson, which is really what I want to be thinking about it.  It's not looking at him, but looking at the black hole that is where he used to be.  And that sucks.  September is a hard month to remember but not dwell.  But I'm going to try.

Tonight, though.  I'm just tired.  The days are long but the years are short.  It is one of the most true statements I've ever heard about parenting.  But enough of all of this.  I'm going to bed and I'm going to think of my Jameson.  Not his four months of dying or his death or his absence, but of him.  And his laugh.  And his painting eating. And the way he would stick his whole fist in the yogurt and giggle while the dogs licked his hands.  And the way he danced.  And the way he snuggled. And the way he made everyone around him love him just because.  

I can't believe it's already been three years.